Words of a Heart In Love

Archive for June 2013

reflectionToday is actually the first time in 2 weeks that I have not really had many palpitations.  The cardiologist said all my test came out great, there is nothing wrong with my heart.  I got my lab results back on Friday and it appears my potassium is slightly high.  I Google the problems with having high potassium and some were really frightening, apparently having high potassium can affect your heart beat and give you tachycardia and result in sudden coronary death Yikes!!!!  So I’m going to call my cardiologist today and let him know of those results.  Anyway in regards to everything else I am doing well, the love of my life is paying more than needed attention to me, I think this time I’m getting it, maybe I shouldn’t give him the time of day, maybe I shouldn’t be here for him, but I can’t and I have never been able to turn away from him.  Only thing is that this time when it’s over; it’s over and I won’t care, yeah I’m taking his calls, and stuff, and I might even allow a meet, but I’m not kidding myself.   I know where he stands, I know that he is not emotionally available for me and in return I will not let myself be emotional dependent of him either.  It’s more like that piece of cake we eat because it’s there and its good; but we can easily just not want it again for many months to come and not even have a second thought about it.

I’ve been experiencing palpitations since Saturday, finally went to Doctor today.  She says I’m suffering from anxiety; because otherwise I seem fine.  Blood pressure good, EKG doesn’t reflect any abnormality in my heart; my lungs seem to be fine etc.  So she swears the palpitations I’m getting are caused by anxiety and prescribed me 50 mg of Zoloft saying I’m to take one daily (which BTW I’m not going to take).  Anyway I honestly do not agree with the Doctor’s prognostic, I don’t understand why I’m getting them; but I’m not anxious, on the contrary I’m excellent, I’ve had money coming my way, right now in the month of May alone, I got $2,200 dollar from a claim I filed in Aflac and I have $5,000 more coming sometime this month; for a procedure I get done to my eyes in consequences of my Diabetic Retinopathy.   I have been remodeling my apartment, new carpet, new curtain, throw pillows etc.  Fun! Fun! On top of that I’ve been going to therapy to try to understand why I feel I can settle to be the “other women” and wait for him to come around 5 months out of the year.  Which by the way; just like the Psychic predicted and has happened in the past; with May being our month, he did come back.  Out of nowhere he called me on May 24th and has been calling me ever since, has been throwing me kisses before hanging up, calling me baby, teasing me, replying quickly to my emails, in fact emailing me as soon as he gets into the office, emailing me from home etc.  Total change and not for no apparent reason, just cause, as he left in October he appeared again in May.  Am I loving it?  Yes!!!  Will I kid myself and set myself for pain when it’s over?  NO!!! (I know it will be over eventually just like it has these last 6 years) I’ve grown and I will continue to grow.  Dammit, do I love him?? Fuck me hard!!!  I do, but I will continue with my therapy and make sure I don’t wind up in the same place I was and have always been with regards to him.