Words of a Heart In Love

I feel like crying after almost 8 months of empowerment!!!!

Posted on: September 16, 2013

Today I actually feel down and like crying, it’s been a while since I write on my blog, things are more or less the same; he calls and write sporadically.  I’ve been going to counseling for the last 8 months; trying to find out why I have been so emotionally attached to My great Love for such a long time.  I can’t really say what therapy; has or has not done for me.  I thought I was doing better, I thought I was overcoming the feeling I get when he isn’t around, when he doesn’t make me feel I matter to him; but I guess I was wrong because today for the first time after almost 8 months; I feel like crying.  I’m sad, I’m down and I’m mad.  I want to tell him Fuck You for not putting enough effort to talk to me even though things are crazy at work, fuck you for making me feel I just don’t matter enough for you to do so, and fuck you for making me feel all this time has been in vain and that I’m probably in the same fucked up emotional state I was in October.  Why can’t I hate him, and just walk the fuck away from him.  I’m so bitter and mad right now because instead I just fucking love him, and if it’s not love I feel; then I don’t know why the fuck I would let this hurt me so much and still today after almost 7 years continue to put up with it.  What is the matter with me GOOD GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!   FUCK ME HARD!!!!!!

Pardon my bad mouthing but I’m so mad and very disappointed with myself right now!!!!


2 Responses to "I feel like crying after almost 8 months of empowerment!!!!"

You love him, but your expectations are all messed up. Any time you are doing things that you do not want to do, you are resisting the happiness you could have. It’s like having people throw tantrums over dishes – like nobody is allowed to use a dish afterward – because they really just have a problem with doing the dishes. People can love one another without talking at all, and guys are not trained to communicate (even when they need it, but don’t understand enough to know that’s what they need). Socialization is not genuine without being able to read body language and manners of some sort. If you don’t practice, then things stop making sense and you get something like “cabin fever”.

Thanks for your words, I know men are wired differently but it’s just so hard for some of us to understand what they want from us. I have come a long way since I wrote this blog, with therapy and self help books. Now at least I realize that he is just not available as I need him to be, and that maybe in the past I was too insecure to realize that he doesn’t need to be calling me every other day or even emailing me in order for me to feel I mattered. At the same time now that I realize that; I also realize I rather not pursue him (although I still love him with all my heart) because at the end of the day I will always need more than is his to give, or than he is willing to give. It’s about me now and my goals and I feel so much better. I have not shed a tear on his behalf since I wrote that blog and my day does not begin with him in mind, nor does it go by wondering when and if I’m going to hear from him and that is only because; it is no longer a factor to my life. I’ll love the memory of what it was, the illusion of what I thought it was and go on being happy in my own self worth.

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