Words of a Heart In Love

About Me!

photo-lipsI created this page because I’m having a lot of emotional things going on and through this blog I want to give voice to my heart, be it happy or sad.

I’m Portorican, born in New York, raised in Puerto Rico and moved here to Florida in the year 2000 (thank Gawd) I’ve had a lot of ups and down in my life although I think I’m at the peak of it right now. Anyway I’m in my top 40’s (don’t look it, LOL). I have a loving family whom I adore, they have been my strength. I lost my mom in the year 2007 and with her I lost my faith in the almighty God along with a huge chunk of my heart and soul. After that experience I can truly say nothing in this world can ever hurt me so. Before she passed I had been through a lot of hardships, broken love etc and as emotional as I am I would always cry and spend days in bed but, when I was faced with this loss, the pain was so intense that all the tears in the world were not enough to ease the pain, I felt as if I had wasted all those tears crying over stupid shit (compared to this loss) and that now is when I really needed them.  Because of that loss/pain for a long time nothing could make me cry, I was numb to emotions. It’s been said before “You don’t know the pain of losing a mother until you have lost yours” OH MY GAWD!!!! This is SO TRUE, when she was pronounced it was as if there was this whirlwind beginning at the bottom of my feet and flowing up my body destroying, crushing my soul leaving me empty and numb of emotions. I truly see the meaning of that phrase. Well anyway that has passed we are now in the year 2011 and at that time in my life 4 months after my mom passed (notice I still can’t say the word died) he arrived, he whom I will call “Mi Gran Amor” (My Great Love) and helped me regain my happiness and my will to be alive, his sweetness, attention, humor, advice, support, love, desire everything about him, he allowed me to cry and pour my heart out, something I was unable to do with my family for they had the same loss and I needed to be strong for them (or at least appear to be strong). He the man I’m so in love with; is the reason I started this blog, only because I need to let my thoughts out of my head, thoughts of love, of frustration, fear, happiness and hopes. The only bad thing about this love of mines is he is married and already has his own life and family and I must find a way to share him and his love. We all know how frustrating this can be. It’s been 4 years and 8 months since we started this relationship “slash no idea”.  I finally met him in 11/25/2011 and then again 1/17/2012 and hopefully in 2/21/2012 again, I’m still waiting to become his women (I’m a virgin) weird at my age but I still am.  So mostly this blog will be about my ups and down or better said my rollercoaster relationship and a way to let these thing out so I won’t explode.

ABOUT ME UPDATE…

My love affair has been ended, he ended it on February 22, 2012 it’s been a long journey, full of joy, adventures, love, passions and things I had never experienced.  Unfortunately now he has decided he can’t live with the guilt of cheating and that we have surpassed our affair limits, he doesn’t see us going any further without the guilt or the risk of hurting his home, so now I must be taken out of the equation of his life, I must be left alone, with maybe a good friendship instead.  But how can I settle for this friendship when I have made him the center, the priority in my life and I love him so, I love him to no extent.  Once again I have been stripped of something big in my heart; once again I’m left with a huge hole in my soul, and needless to say no faith in life or anything else.  I love him I would never hurt him, I wish him the best and I never intended in causing any pain to his home, too bad he feels the way he feels and is taking away my joy, my illusions and my dreams.  I hope in time this blog turns into a journey to my happy life, the good things that might be waiting for me, the proof that life can turn out for the better.

ABOUT ME UPDATE… 3-20-2012

We had a talk and it seems things are still going on, we are not broken up anymore but we’re not intense either.  I’m not sure where we stand, I for one continue to adore him and hope he will come back to me in full; he calls weekly, sometime he calls daily; then he gets cold and a week goes back etc.  He treats me like we’re in an affair but no commitment or plans to meet yet.  I’m stringing along in hopes that time will allow my heart to either grow apart from him, or that he manages to leave all his fears or whatever has made him change this way and comes back to me like he use to, like the man who made me fall so much in love with him.  This will have to do for now because any other way is to shocking for me.

ABOUT ME UPDATE… 3-28-2013

So I’m finally done, this affair has run its course.  A year later from my last update and all is back to zero.  He is definitely not going to ever give me what I need, even though it’s really not much.  Why, When, How It all changed; is no longer the issue, is no longer the question and is no longer relevant.  What is relevant is the fact that you can’t force people to give you what they don’t want or have to give.  I love him, I adore him and I probably will always love him, but I have come to realize now after so much pain, after so many tears, after hurting for so long that I need to move on and give him up.  For starters he was never really meant to be mines and I should have never allowed my heart to feel so much for him; and although my heart was happy with mere crumbs, lately he was not even providing that.  I can’t change him; this is how he is, not certain why it is, but like I said before;  that is also no longer relevant.  So I’m trying very hard to just move on with what is left of my life and live it in peace, without the drama of wondering if and when he will call me, if he loves me or not, if I matter to him or not, if he is thinking about me, if he is going to make me smile with a simple gesture of love.  Now I know what my day is going to be like because only I have the power to make it happen.  I wake up to me,  I think about him but I no longer feel I need to be in a relationship with him, I can love him in silence, remember the good things about us and live my life without him until one day I have totally overcome my feeling for him and then he will no longer be a part of my thoughts.  Bottom line is I’m doing fine, too fine if I may add.  I’m able to control my emotions even when I lay to bed at night and remember him, I whisper “I love you Xa***” and close my eyes to sleep in peace.

 

ABOUT ME UPDATE… 3-04-2014

He said we can only be friends, he is going to church and wishes to be a role model to his children.  This time it will end, I cant give him something he doesn’t want.  Like the fish in the fisherman’s hook; I’ve been let go free and like that fish, I will just swim away and heal.

That’s all about me, at least for now *HOPE*

6 Responses to "About Me!"

I’m sorry you lost your mother, and I understand, as I’m sure many others do, the ups and downs of emotions. Perhaps you’d like my blog, and the idea of. Whether you check it out or not, I’ll be following. (:

The truly sad part here is that you wasted so much of your time and emotions on this man who was never yours at any point. (He’s HERS, and he’s choosing to be. Never forget that.)

You need to move on quickly to someone who will truly be into you, for once.

You need to read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

I just found this blog, and my heart goes out to you…I have been in a similar situations of trying to let go but it is soooo hard…the whole push and pull thing. I would like to read your previous posts but they are protected, is there something special I need to do…its always as if I’m the only one going thru things just found out I’m not alone. I really hope things get better for you…as I said earlier, my heart goes out to you..this kind of pain is sooo hard to recover from, but in the end you do. It just takes time (I hate when people say that to me but its true) 🙂

I emailed you the password.

Sorry but I never got it. Must have been deleted in my spam. Please resend. Thank you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: