Words of a Heart In Love

Today I actually feel down and like crying, it’s been a while since I write on my blog, things are more or less the same; he calls and write sporadically.  I’ve been going to counseling for the last 8 months; trying to find out why I have been so emotionally attached to My great Love for such a long time.  I can’t really say what therapy; has or has not done for me.  I thought I was doing better, I thought I was overcoming the feeling I get when he isn’t around, when he doesn’t make me feel I matter to him; but I guess I was wrong because today for the first time after almost 8 months; I feel like crying.  I’m sad, I’m down and I’m mad.  I want to tell him Fuck You for not putting enough effort to talk to me even though things are crazy at work, fuck you for making me feel I just don’t matter enough for you to do so, and fuck you for making me feel all this time has been in vain and that I’m probably in the same fucked up emotional state I was in October.  Why can’t I hate him, and just walk the fuck away from him.  I’m so bitter and mad right now because instead I just fucking love him, and if it’s not love I feel; then I don’t know why the fuck I would let this hurt me so much and still today after almost 7 years continue to put up with it.  What is the matter with me GOOD GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!   FUCK ME HARD!!!!!!

Pardon my bad mouthing but I’m so mad and very disappointed with myself right now!!!!

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reflectionToday is actually the first time in 2 weeks that I have not really had many palpitations.  The cardiologist said all my test came out great, there is nothing wrong with my heart.  I got my lab results back on Friday and it appears my potassium is slightly high.  I Google the problems with having high potassium and some were really frightening, apparently having high potassium can affect your heart beat and give you tachycardia and result in sudden coronary death Yikes!!!!  So I’m going to call my cardiologist today and let him know of those results.  Anyway in regards to everything else I am doing well, the love of my life is paying more than needed attention to me, I think this time I’m getting it, maybe I shouldn’t give him the time of day, maybe I shouldn’t be here for him, but I can’t and I have never been able to turn away from him.  Only thing is that this time when it’s over; it’s over and I won’t care, yeah I’m taking his calls, and stuff, and I might even allow a meet, but I’m not kidding myself.   I know where he stands, I know that he is not emotionally available for me and in return I will not let myself be emotional dependent of him either.  It’s more like that piece of cake we eat because it’s there and its good; but we can easily just not want it again for many months to come and not even have a second thought about it.

I’ve been experiencing palpitations since Saturday, finally went to Doctor today.  She says I’m suffering from anxiety; because otherwise I seem fine.  Blood pressure good, EKG doesn’t reflect any abnormality in my heart; my lungs seem to be fine etc.  So she swears the palpitations I’m getting are caused by anxiety and prescribed me 50 mg of Zoloft saying I’m to take one daily (which BTW I’m not going to take).  Anyway I honestly do not agree with the Doctor’s prognostic, I don’t understand why I’m getting them; but I’m not anxious, on the contrary I’m excellent, I’ve had money coming my way, right now in the month of May alone, I got $2,200 dollar from a claim I filed in Aflac and I have $5,000 more coming sometime this month; for a procedure I get done to my eyes in consequences of my Diabetic Retinopathy.   I have been remodeling my apartment, new carpet, new curtain, throw pillows etc.  Fun! Fun! On top of that I’ve been going to therapy to try to understand why I feel I can settle to be the “other women” and wait for him to come around 5 months out of the year.  Which by the way; just like the Psychic predicted and has happened in the past; with May being our month, he did come back.  Out of nowhere he called me on May 24th and has been calling me ever since, has been throwing me kisses before hanging up, calling me baby, teasing me, replying quickly to my emails, in fact emailing me as soon as he gets into the office, emailing me from home etc.  Total change and not for no apparent reason, just cause, as he left in October he appeared again in May.  Am I loving it?  Yes!!!  Will I kid myself and set myself for pain when it’s over?  NO!!! (I know it will be over eventually just like it has these last 6 years) I’ve grown and I will continue to grow.  Dammit, do I love him?? Fuck me hard!!!  I do, but I will continue with my therapy and make sure I don’t wind up in the same place I was and have always been with regards to him.

Haven’t come around to write much because I think I’m trying to avoid opening up, however I started my therapy sessions two weeks ago.  My therapist is great, I feel very confident that we will eventually get to the bottom of whatever is going on with me that allows me to settle for crumbs.  I broke my no contact rule with him a month ago and we spoke about where we were going, apparently he says he isn’t going anywhere, that his feelings for me haven’t changed, but actions speak louder than words, and regardless of what he says his action speak to me.  There is no way he could feel the same for me and yet not have time to invest in me.  Yes he emails me every day, and I can see he is putting in the effort to respond to me quickly, but at the same time I can feel it’s not the same, he is not as invested as I know he can be.  It doesn’t really matter anymore to me, why yes or why no; I just want to be over it and that is what I intend to get done with my therapy, I’m going to find me, and go back 30 years to where it all started.

Through my two sessions I have come to realize that one of the reason I can’t bring myself to let go of him and I allow the crumbs he gives me is because he is the FIRST man ever to make me feel desirable, to make me feel like a woman, to feel I CAN be attractive to the male species; and because of this I’m afraid that if I lose him, even the occasional him; I will never feel this way again, or better said no other man (one I feel attracted to as well) will ever feel or want me the way he has.  With him I have experienced things I’ve never before experienced, the intimacy I’ve shared with him I never ever had with no one before; the thing he did to me and I to him; were all new to me.  Of course I love him but loving someone isn’t the reason we stay for crumbs.  Another very strong reason I can’t seem to let go is because he filled the void, the emptiness left in my heart when my mom died.  In an attempt to escape my pain (which was unbearable) I chose to pretend all was well and not grief my mother; instead I poured all my efforts into him, in this new adventure, in this man who enticed me, his sexuality, how hot and good-looking he was, the fact that he was a Cuban and that generally speaking their very passionate, hot, experienced in bed, yata, yata.  So now I’m afraid that if I don’t have him, I’ll feel that void again.  My therapist says I have to go back to 2007 and grieve my mom, I don’t want to do it though; it’s too painful, I can’t do it, I don’t think I have the strength, it’s extremely emotional.  I need time, but eventually I’m thinking about starting a blog in her memory and go back to that moment when my heart and my soul were taken from me and try to work it out.  If this is what it will take so that I can finally let go of him or learn to accept our relationship for what it is, not need him in my life as I do, and accept whatever is to come in regards to him and me; then so be it, I’m sure I can manage.

Of course I am in a way much better place than many months ago, I don’t cry, I don’t feel miserable, and I don’t dwell on him, I just reply if he writes, I email him occasionally good morning and I keep him in a locked place in my heart with the agreement that he will have to vacate it eventually.

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