Words of a Heart In Love

Posts Tagged ‘Broken

    • “The worst feeling is pretending you don’t care about something, when it’s all you seem to think about”  -Wiz Khalifa


I’m not sure what is happening, I know that I was doing well for 11 days with no palpitations and was feeling so confident. However, Friday out of no where at work I got a palpitation, then again when I left work and all through the weekend. I kept wondering why is this coming back, if I’m feeling fine, yes I love him and occasionally miss him, have a thought of him here and there, but nothing to ruin my day or bring down my spirits. So then, why the palpitations? Today is Tuesday and I’m still feeling them, I took a Xanax (prescribed) last night so I can sleep and avoid getting them in bed, and that is exactly what I did; sleep to the point I was late to work. I’ve had the palpitations all day at work, they come and go.  I have shortness of breath and even the occasional funny feeling in the head. Hell I’m getting them right now as type. Is it him? Last we wrote was on April 3 and it was mostly about his pet dying and me getting a few comments out of my chest related to a drama a close friend of mine is going through, because her husband was caught in a 4 year affair and the girl he had the affair with has gone TOTALLY postal on him, to the extreme of tagging the wife’s entire family (my friend) on Facebook with picture, messages and text showing the 4 year affair they had. Since my X knows about this drama, I wanted to make sure he was aware of how lucky he is that although I feel hurt, abandoned, disregarded, forgotten, taken for granted, and all those feeling of pain and immense hurt; I would never for one moment considered harming his happy home. Could I??? Yes, first and foremost the pain I’m feeling, the emptiness he left me with, the years of putting up with it all just to keep us going strong thinking it would be worth it, when in reality it was not. All the things I never told him, like “Why the heck haven’t you call me this week” or “Why did you leave home for the weekend and didn’t even call to say good bye”, etc. So many things I withheld back to keep the flow of our special friendship. All these feelings added to the fact that I have direct contact information of his wife and her entire family as well as Photos, messages, even a video of our last visit (XXX accidental by the way, I had NO IDEA my laptop still had the cam recording from like 3 hours prior to his arrival) yet I would never dream of doing something like that crazy woman.  So I wanted to make sure he KNEW he should appreciate the kind of woman I am. Even though at the end of the day, I shouldn’t care. Well anyway today as you can see I’m feeling HORRIBLE, I’m missing him, and I’m only realizing it now that I started writing here wondering why I had palpitations.  I guess my heart is hurting in silence, to the point that it had to find a way to let out the pain by giving me palpitations and trying to get my attention (Denial much?). I need this to be done!!! I hate how much I love him and I hate how broken I am. Now tears begin to form in my eyes at that last statement. WHY does he get to be alright? Why does he get to continue with no regrets? Why does it feel it has been a breeze for him to just DUMP me like a piece of shit and call it “Trying to be a Role model for my children” okay so this last statement came out with anger, form a place I have not touched yet. Letting GoGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR yeah maybe there is some hidden anger, disappointment and hunger for revenge. Luckily for him I guess between my “self respect” that stops me from steeping so low and my “Love for him” I would never act out my anger, pain, disappointment and all the shitty feelings this breakup, reality break or whatever it be; has left me with consciously or subconsciously.

Good thing I have a therapy session tomorrow, because right now there is something brewing in my heart, my head and my soul and I DON’T want to feel like this, six year and a half should be enough pain to endure over the love of one tiny man.