Words of a Heart In Love

Posts Tagged ‘Cyber Relationships

Image result for woman shhI’ve been gone for some while now. Been trying to deal with the final breakup of my greatest love, the man responsible for me opening this blog. Last year on March 5, 2014, he told me it was over. I thought I would die, but I have been preparing myself for this moment many years before. In every blog I have posted here it is clear that it was undeniably going to happen. Well when that happened I joined the infamous Ashley Madison, hoping to chat with these married men who were on this site purposely looking for an affair. I thought if I joined I could ask them why they needed other women other than there wife. I figure through their story I could finally understand what I meant to the love of my life, and get the answers he always refused to give me. Needless to say I ended up hooking up with one very handsome breath taking 53 year old man. OMG! I would have never ever considered a man of that age, I usually lean towards the much younger (30-35) but he insisted and I was in needed of attention since I was trying to overcome my break-up after the 7 years rollercoaster emotions with the love of my life (because till this day I still do love him) anyway with this man (William) I realize that there can be a lot of passion if it’s the right man to show you, that age is definitely but a number and that there are still men out there than can awaken passion even in a newbie virgin like me; who never knew she could respond passionately even if there was not a long loving relationship.  In fact I learned that your first time (being a virgin and all) should in fact be with a man that can make you feel sexy, hot and desirable (all of which he DID).  A man that will treat you with a lot of passion and sexuality; while respecting and appreciating your body and the chance to touch and kiss you, like you’ve never been touched and kiss.  That’s the kind of man I should have lost my virginity too; one that will make me treasure the experience and remember it with a smile, shivers and desire.  Unfortunately in the nick of time, I stopped him, I still wanted to hold onto the fantasy of losing my virginity to the man I loved. Boy did I regret that, once I realized how much better the memory would have been with William, it was too late, I never managed to get him to see me again. He chose not to take my virginity and go back to his wife. Oh well :O(

So now back to the reason I’m posting this. On that site I also met another man, one handsome, elegant, smooth, slow paced and respectful man. We have been trying to get this going for a year now, and just when we were hitting it off, along come the Ashley Madison Hack. Now he is scared he is going to be exposed, to his wife, friends and clients. I get it and I’m furious with the hackers. Sure it’s exposing cheating men, but I am a firm believer that when a man cheats it’s not just his wrong doing, there IS a bigger reason and this problem involves BOTH in the marriage, it’s never the fault of one. People might hate me for saying this but it is the truth, a man does not cheat for fun, there is something missing, nor does a woman cheat for fun, it is also something missing, maybe feeling of neglect from the husband or something that pushes the person to cheat, to seek what is missing.

Maybe it was for the best, seems each time we are about to hook up something gets in the way. Maybe the universe is trying to save me for someone else *SHRUGS* someone not committed to a wife. As far as I’m concern I’m never falling in love again, I will always love “My Greatest Love” whom I now call “My Last Love”. Ever since the breakup 17 months ago; we have remained friends, he has called me 5 or 6 times. We email occasionally as friends and for that I’m grateful because at the end of the day, his friendship is what I treasure most, if I can have him on my side as a friend I don’t need him as a lover. That I do love him? True, but I can love him forever as my friend and live a very happy live, as I have been for the last 17 months. I have come a long way with therapy and have learned a lot about myself. I got this, I’m centered and I’m very happy. There’s so much more I need to write about but right now I’m too engrossed in school (made the Presidents List) blogging here felt good, hopefully I can come back and start from where I left off.

I’m not sure what all this hacking is going to do to the society in general, but I’m afraid there is going to be a lot of unnecessary pain. Maybe some couple will re-group and seek help and have a happy ending, one can’t tell. As for me? No telling what will come out of this, I’m single, I don’t have children and I haven’t really hurt anyone. I hope this all goes away soon for the sake of all those cheating, adventurous people who felt the need to join Ashley Madison.

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    • “The worst feeling is pretending you don’t care about something, when it’s all you seem to think about”  -Wiz Khalifa


I’m not sure what is happening, I know that I was doing well for 11 days with no palpitations and was feeling so confident. However, Friday out of no where at work I got a palpitation, then again when I left work and all through the weekend. I kept wondering why is this coming back, if I’m feeling fine, yes I love him and occasionally miss him, have a thought of him here and there, but nothing to ruin my day or bring down my spirits. So then, why the palpitations? Today is Tuesday and I’m still feeling them, I took a Xanax (prescribed) last night so I can sleep and avoid getting them in bed, and that is exactly what I did; sleep to the point I was late to work. I’ve had the palpitations all day at work, they come and go.  I have shortness of breath and even the occasional funny feeling in the head. Hell I’m getting them right now as type. Is it him? Last we wrote was on April 3 and it was mostly about his pet dying and me getting a few comments out of my chest related to a drama a close friend of mine is going through, because her husband was caught in a 4 year affair and the girl he had the affair with has gone TOTALLY postal on him, to the extreme of tagging the wife’s entire family (my friend) on Facebook with picture, messages and text showing the 4 year affair they had. Since my X knows about this drama, I wanted to make sure he was aware of how lucky he is that although I feel hurt, abandoned, disregarded, forgotten, taken for granted, and all those feeling of pain and immense hurt; I would never for one moment considered harming his happy home. Could I??? Yes, first and foremost the pain I’m feeling, the emptiness he left me with, the years of putting up with it all just to keep us going strong thinking it would be worth it, when in reality it was not. All the things I never told him, like “Why the heck haven’t you call me this week” or “Why did you leave home for the weekend and didn’t even call to say good bye”, etc. So many things I withheld back to keep the flow of our special friendship. All these feelings added to the fact that I have direct contact information of his wife and her entire family as well as Photos, messages, even a video of our last visit (XXX accidental by the way, I had NO IDEA my laptop still had the cam recording from like 3 hours prior to his arrival) yet I would never dream of doing something like that crazy woman.  So I wanted to make sure he KNEW he should appreciate the kind of woman I am. Even though at the end of the day, I shouldn’t care. Well anyway today as you can see I’m feeling HORRIBLE, I’m missing him, and I’m only realizing it now that I started writing here wondering why I had palpitations.  I guess my heart is hurting in silence, to the point that it had to find a way to let out the pain by giving me palpitations and trying to get my attention (Denial much?). I need this to be done!!! I hate how much I love him and I hate how broken I am. Now tears begin to form in my eyes at that last statement. WHY does he get to be alright? Why does he get to continue with no regrets? Why does it feel it has been a breeze for him to just DUMP me like a piece of shit and call it “Trying to be a Role model for my children” okay so this last statement came out with anger, form a place I have not touched yet. Letting GoGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR yeah maybe there is some hidden anger, disappointment and hunger for revenge. Luckily for him I guess between my “self respect” that stops me from steeping so low and my “Love for him” I would never act out my anger, pain, disappointment and all the shitty feelings this breakup, reality break or whatever it be; has left me with consciously or subconsciously.

Good thing I have a therapy session tomorrow, because right now there is something brewing in my heart, my head and my soul and I DON’T want to feel like this, six year and a half should be enough pain to endure over the love of one tiny man.

Like the fish in the fisherman’s hook; I’ve been let go free and like that fish, I will just swim away and heal.

Things have changed… A lot!!! He continued to be distant with me since my last blog, he occasionally wrote to me, he barely called me at all *SHRUGS* On November I went on my first cruise ever YEY!!!! It was great, I loooooved it, if it weren’t for my dog and not wanting to leave him home alone I would definitely take at least 3 cruises a year LOL but unfortunately for me I love my little Baby and I refuse to leave him home at nights. You see I always have friends come over walk him, feed him, change his water and stuff, but at the end of the night when it is time to get in bed to sleep he is left wondering why Mami never came home. People say dogs can’t tell time but I honestly think they can; because when I came back from my cruise and carried him, he was extremely excited, he would lick me and even bite my lips when kissing me, (sorry if that grosses you out, I DO kiss my dog in the mouth) anyway while he was doing all that he was also making this little crying sound; so because of this I refuse to leave him over night by himself. Anyway right around the time I was leaving on my cruise he told me he was finally moving to the new employment building where he would not be able to call me and what not, I told him it was his choice and up to him, he asked “if I thought it was right and if we should continue”, I again told him it was his decision to make; not mines that it HAS always been him, he calls, he writes, he decides. We left the conversation there, he moved and he called me from his new place of work two days later, so I figured he had decided to find a way to make it work. Anyway I left to the cruise which I loved; I left on 11/22/2013 and returned on 11/25/2013 the purpose of it was to take the cruise on my 2012 birthday when I reached one of these age milestone (not saying which LOL) so I managed to book it right before my next birthday of 11/26/2013. Okay so I come back from the cruise we had been texting a bit (and by texting I mean, I text from my phone to his work email, because of course he NEVER texts from his phone, he is very careful that way) so I text when I left the port Canaveral and when I got back, all is good he is nice, friendly I guess. I emailed him I was back and hinted about my birthday being the next day, giving him the chance to wish me a Happy Birthday (why do we care so much for these little things) needless to say he totally ignored my birthday, emailed me on Monday morning from work but made no comment about my birthday. SO I did what every woman does, I got mad and said FUCK IT, I’M DONE, not talking to him ever again, it’s over. For close to a month I went on without talking to him, he emailed me and I ignored it, he even called me and I ignored it, wrote down the new number since I didn’t have it and went on with my plan. Of course I broke down and emailed him a hello stranger yata yata, we wrote back and forth but I still felt something had to give, I pushed him and he insisted all was good that he was busy *SHRUGS* It’s December now still going to therapy, started getting palpitations because I was holding in so much pain, so much feeling of neglect, so much anger that I refused to let out, I kept avoiding the issue, the confrontation and escaping the reality. Conversations between us are random, on Valentine’s Day I send him a Valentine email, he says “thanks; you too” and later that night checked our email, reads the email doesn’t reply to none and doesn’t go back for the remaining of the month; finally on march 4th I can’t take it anymore and I email him demanding to know “why he is so distant, that he could at least let me know all is well with him, that I miss him and would like to know that he is at least alive”, he answers that “all is good thank god and that he has no time for nothing that he doesn’t even have time to play with the play stations” (is that suppose to mean something) anyway I keep pushing and he then says “he is very busy with work and his family has him pulling out his hairs”, I still insist and ask “where does your busy schedule leave us”, to which he answers, “that he is trying to be a role model to his children and has begun to go to church and stuff”, again I tell him (only because I WANT and NEED him to tell me what he is trying to imply in complete sentence) “so does that mean you don’t want a relationship with me, are we over?” To which he responded “you knew from the beginning, but I can offer you my friendship”.  Wow, he finally ushered the words I needed to hear. I responded back with a huge email, told him “I was left speechless, that I wish I knew sooner so I could go get a switch at the hardware store and set my feelings to off, since I had no experience with this, oh wait I do, I have been heartbroken at least 4 times before… yata yata” told him “I understood all good things come to an end but the important thing is that it is in a way where the friendship and the good things don’t suffer the consequences and no ill feeling is left”. I reminded him “that we were friends for 2 years before he change the game plan, it was he who started it and that I don’t want that friendship; –which is the most important thing we shared for these 6 ½ years– to be lost”. Certainly I can’t be too much of a friend for now; but I would like to think that once my love for him has passed that we can still talk and laugh about everything and anything as we have for so many years now. So that’s how my love story ends.

 

That’s how my rollercoaster of love stops; these are the last Words of my Heart in Love. Now the healing starts, the forgetting and the moving on. I do not regret what we shared, I love him, he loved me somewhat (I guess) and now it’s done, he served his purpose, and they were many, with him I learned many things, he helped me get self-esteem, feel desirable, and loved. Unfortunately all the good things he gave me came with a very high price of pain which has broken me to the point of no return to where I will NEVER love again. I don’t say this just out of hurt, I’ve been saying this for more than a year now, even when we were not completely over. See I learned that a relationship hurts, not just because he was my lover.  The pain suffered in a relationship can be strong and real even if it’s your husband, your boyfriend, your fiancé, bottom line relationships hurts you and as I’ve said before the pain is not worth it, not at my age!!!!

reflectionToday is actually the first time in 2 weeks that I have not really had many palpitations.  The cardiologist said all my test came out great, there is nothing wrong with my heart.  I got my lab results back on Friday and it appears my potassium is slightly high.  I Google the problems with having high potassium and some were really frightening, apparently having high potassium can affect your heart beat and give you tachycardia and result in sudden coronary death Yikes!!!!  So I’m going to call my cardiologist today and let him know of those results.  Anyway in regards to everything else I am doing well, the love of my life is paying more than needed attention to me, I think this time I’m getting it, maybe I shouldn’t give him the time of day, maybe I shouldn’t be here for him, but I can’t and I have never been able to turn away from him.  Only thing is that this time when it’s over; it’s over and I won’t care, yeah I’m taking his calls, and stuff, and I might even allow a meet, but I’m not kidding myself.   I know where he stands, I know that he is not emotionally available for me and in return I will not let myself be emotional dependent of him either.  It’s more like that piece of cake we eat because it’s there and its good; but we can easily just not want it again for many months to come and not even have a second thought about it.

I’ve been experiencing palpitations since Saturday, finally went to Doctor today.  She says I’m suffering from anxiety; because otherwise I seem fine.  Blood pressure good, EKG doesn’t reflect any abnormality in my heart; my lungs seem to be fine etc.  So she swears the palpitations I’m getting are caused by anxiety and prescribed me 50 mg of Zoloft saying I’m to take one daily (which BTW I’m not going to take).  Anyway I honestly do not agree with the Doctor’s prognostic, I don’t understand why I’m getting them; but I’m not anxious, on the contrary I’m excellent, I’ve had money coming my way, right now in the month of May alone, I got $2,200 dollar from a claim I filed in Aflac and I have $5,000 more coming sometime this month; for a procedure I get done to my eyes in consequences of my Diabetic Retinopathy.   I have been remodeling my apartment, new carpet, new curtain, throw pillows etc.  Fun! Fun! On top of that I’ve been going to therapy to try to understand why I feel I can settle to be the “other women” and wait for him to come around 5 months out of the year.  Which by the way; just like the Psychic predicted and has happened in the past; with May being our month, he did come back.  Out of nowhere he called me on May 24th and has been calling me ever since, has been throwing me kisses before hanging up, calling me baby, teasing me, replying quickly to my emails, in fact emailing me as soon as he gets into the office, emailing me from home etc.  Total change and not for no apparent reason, just cause, as he left in October he appeared again in May.  Am I loving it?  Yes!!!  Will I kid myself and set myself for pain when it’s over?  NO!!! (I know it will be over eventually just like it has these last 6 years) I’ve grown and I will continue to grow.  Dammit, do I love him?? Fuck me hard!!!  I do, but I will continue with my therapy and make sure I don’t wind up in the same place I was and have always been with regards to him.

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