Words of a Heart In Love

Posts Tagged ‘Feeling

Like the fish in the fisherman’s hook; I’ve been let go free and like that fish, I will just swim away and heal.

Things have changed… A lot!!! He continued to be distant with me since my last blog, he occasionally wrote to me, he barely called me at all *SHRUGS* On November I went on my first cruise ever YEY!!!! It was great, I loooooved it, if it weren’t for my dog and not wanting to leave him home alone I would definitely take at least 3 cruises a year LOL but unfortunately for me I love my little Baby and I refuse to leave him home at nights. You see I always have friends come over walk him, feed him, change his water and stuff, but at the end of the night when it is time to get in bed to sleep he is left wondering why Mami never came home. People say dogs can’t tell time but I honestly think they can; because when I came back from my cruise and carried him, he was extremely excited, he would lick me and even bite my lips when kissing me, (sorry if that grosses you out, I DO kiss my dog in the mouth) anyway while he was doing all that he was also making this little crying sound; so because of this I refuse to leave him over night by himself. Anyway right around the time I was leaving on my cruise he told me he was finally moving to the new employment building where he would not be able to call me and what not, I told him it was his choice and up to him, he asked “if I thought it was right and if we should continue”, I again told him it was his decision to make; not mines that it HAS always been him, he calls, he writes, he decides. We left the conversation there, he moved and he called me from his new place of work two days later, so I figured he had decided to find a way to make it work. Anyway I left to the cruise which I loved; I left on 11/22/2013 and returned on 11/25/2013 the purpose of it was to take the cruise on my 2012 birthday when I reached one of these age milestone (not saying which LOL) so I managed to book it right before my next birthday of 11/26/2013. Okay so I come back from the cruise we had been texting a bit (and by texting I mean, I text from my phone to his work email, because of course he NEVER texts from his phone, he is very careful that way) so I text when I left the port Canaveral and when I got back, all is good he is nice, friendly I guess. I emailed him I was back and hinted about my birthday being the next day, giving him the chance to wish me a Happy Birthday (why do we care so much for these little things) needless to say he totally ignored my birthday, emailed me on Monday morning from work but made no comment about my birthday. SO I did what every woman does, I got mad and said FUCK IT, I’M DONE, not talking to him ever again, it’s over. For close to a month I went on without talking to him, he emailed me and I ignored it, he even called me and I ignored it, wrote down the new number since I didn’t have it and went on with my plan. Of course I broke down and emailed him a hello stranger yata yata, we wrote back and forth but I still felt something had to give, I pushed him and he insisted all was good that he was busy *SHRUGS* It’s December now still going to therapy, started getting palpitations because I was holding in so much pain, so much feeling of neglect, so much anger that I refused to let out, I kept avoiding the issue, the confrontation and escaping the reality. Conversations between us are random, on Valentine’s Day I send him a Valentine email, he says “thanks; you too” and later that night checked our email, reads the email doesn’t reply to none and doesn’t go back for the remaining of the month; finally on march 4th I can’t take it anymore and I email him demanding to know “why he is so distant, that he could at least let me know all is well with him, that I miss him and would like to know that he is at least alive”, he answers that “all is good thank god and that he has no time for nothing that he doesn’t even have time to play with the play stations” (is that suppose to mean something) anyway I keep pushing and he then says “he is very busy with work and his family has him pulling out his hairs”, I still insist and ask “where does your busy schedule leave us”, to which he answers, “that he is trying to be a role model to his children and has begun to go to church and stuff”, again I tell him (only because I WANT and NEED him to tell me what he is trying to imply in complete sentence) “so does that mean you don’t want a relationship with me, are we over?” To which he responded “you knew from the beginning, but I can offer you my friendship”.  Wow, he finally ushered the words I needed to hear. I responded back with a huge email, told him “I was left speechless, that I wish I knew sooner so I could go get a switch at the hardware store and set my feelings to off, since I had no experience with this, oh wait I do, I have been heartbroken at least 4 times before… yata yata” told him “I understood all good things come to an end but the important thing is that it is in a way where the friendship and the good things don’t suffer the consequences and no ill feeling is left”. I reminded him “that we were friends for 2 years before he change the game plan, it was he who started it and that I don’t want that friendship; –which is the most important thing we shared for these 6 ½ years– to be lost”. Certainly I can’t be too much of a friend for now; but I would like to think that once my love for him has passed that we can still talk and laugh about everything and anything as we have for so many years now. So that’s how my love story ends.

 

That’s how my rollercoaster of love stops; these are the last Words of my Heart in Love. Now the healing starts, the forgetting and the moving on. I do not regret what we shared, I love him, he loved me somewhat (I guess) and now it’s done, he served his purpose, and they were many, with him I learned many things, he helped me get self-esteem, feel desirable, and loved. Unfortunately all the good things he gave me came with a very high price of pain which has broken me to the point of no return to where I will NEVER love again. I don’t say this just out of hurt, I’ve been saying this for more than a year now, even when we were not completely over. See I learned that a relationship hurts, not just because he was my lover.  The pain suffered in a relationship can be strong and real even if it’s your husband, your boyfriend, your fiancé, bottom line relationships hurts you and as I’ve said before the pain is not worth it, not at my age!!!!

reflectionToday is actually the first time in 2 weeks that I have not really had many palpitations.  The cardiologist said all my test came out great, there is nothing wrong with my heart.  I got my lab results back on Friday and it appears my potassium is slightly high.  I Google the problems with having high potassium and some were really frightening, apparently having high potassium can affect your heart beat and give you tachycardia and result in sudden coronary death Yikes!!!!  So I’m going to call my cardiologist today and let him know of those results.  Anyway in regards to everything else I am doing well, the love of my life is paying more than needed attention to me, I think this time I’m getting it, maybe I shouldn’t give him the time of day, maybe I shouldn’t be here for him, but I can’t and I have never been able to turn away from him.  Only thing is that this time when it’s over; it’s over and I won’t care, yeah I’m taking his calls, and stuff, and I might even allow a meet, but I’m not kidding myself.   I know where he stands, I know that he is not emotionally available for me and in return I will not let myself be emotional dependent of him either.  It’s more like that piece of cake we eat because it’s there and its good; but we can easily just not want it again for many months to come and not even have a second thought about it.

I’ve been experiencing palpitations since Saturday, finally went to Doctor today.  She says I’m suffering from anxiety; because otherwise I seem fine.  Blood pressure good, EKG doesn’t reflect any abnormality in my heart; my lungs seem to be fine etc.  So she swears the palpitations I’m getting are caused by anxiety and prescribed me 50 mg of Zoloft saying I’m to take one daily (which BTW I’m not going to take).  Anyway I honestly do not agree with the Doctor’s prognostic, I don’t understand why I’m getting them; but I’m not anxious, on the contrary I’m excellent, I’ve had money coming my way, right now in the month of May alone, I got $2,200 dollar from a claim I filed in Aflac and I have $5,000 more coming sometime this month; for a procedure I get done to my eyes in consequences of my Diabetic Retinopathy.   I have been remodeling my apartment, new carpet, new curtain, throw pillows etc.  Fun! Fun! On top of that I’ve been going to therapy to try to understand why I feel I can settle to be the “other women” and wait for him to come around 5 months out of the year.  Which by the way; just like the Psychic predicted and has happened in the past; with May being our month, he did come back.  Out of nowhere he called me on May 24th and has been calling me ever since, has been throwing me kisses before hanging up, calling me baby, teasing me, replying quickly to my emails, in fact emailing me as soon as he gets into the office, emailing me from home etc.  Total change and not for no apparent reason, just cause, as he left in October he appeared again in May.  Am I loving it?  Yes!!!  Will I kid myself and set myself for pain when it’s over?  NO!!! (I know it will be over eventually just like it has these last 6 years) I’ve grown and I will continue to grow.  Dammit, do I love him?? Fuck me hard!!!  I do, but I will continue with my therapy and make sure I don’t wind up in the same place I was and have always been with regards to him.

Haven’t come around to write much because I think I’m trying to avoid opening up, however I started my therapy sessions two weeks ago.  My therapist is great, I feel very confident that we will eventually get to the bottom of whatever is going on with me that allows me to settle for crumbs.  I broke my no contact rule with him a month ago and we spoke about where we were going, apparently he says he isn’t going anywhere, that his feelings for me haven’t changed, but actions speak louder than words, and regardless of what he says his action speak to me.  There is no way he could feel the same for me and yet not have time to invest in me.  Yes he emails me every day, and I can see he is putting in the effort to respond to me quickly, but at the same time I can feel it’s not the same, he is not as invested as I know he can be.  It doesn’t really matter anymore to me, why yes or why no; I just want to be over it and that is what I intend to get done with my therapy, I’m going to find me, and go back 30 years to where it all started.

Through my two sessions I have come to realize that one of the reason I can’t bring myself to let go of him and I allow the crumbs he gives me is because he is the FIRST man ever to make me feel desirable, to make me feel like a woman, to feel I CAN be attractive to the male species; and because of this I’m afraid that if I lose him, even the occasional him; I will never feel this way again, or better said no other man (one I feel attracted to as well) will ever feel or want me the way he has.  With him I have experienced things I’ve never before experienced, the intimacy I’ve shared with him I never ever had with no one before; the thing he did to me and I to him; were all new to me.  Of course I love him but loving someone isn’t the reason we stay for crumbs.  Another very strong reason I can’t seem to let go is because he filled the void, the emptiness left in my heart when my mom died.  In an attempt to escape my pain (which was unbearable) I chose to pretend all was well and not grief my mother; instead I poured all my efforts into him, in this new adventure, in this man who enticed me, his sexuality, how hot and good-looking he was, the fact that he was a Cuban and that generally speaking their very passionate, hot, experienced in bed, yata, yata.  So now I’m afraid that if I don’t have him, I’ll feel that void again.  My therapist says I have to go back to 2007 and grieve my mom, I don’t want to do it though; it’s too painful, I can’t do it, I don’t think I have the strength, it’s extremely emotional.  I need time, but eventually I’m thinking about starting a blog in her memory and go back to that moment when my heart and my soul were taken from me and try to work it out.  If this is what it will take so that I can finally let go of him or learn to accept our relationship for what it is, not need him in my life as I do, and accept whatever is to come in regards to him and me; then so be it, I’m sure I can manage.

Of course I am in a way much better place than many months ago, I don’t cry, I don’t feel miserable, and I don’t dwell on him, I just reply if he writes, I email him occasionally good morning and I keep him in a locked place in my heart with the agreement that he will have to vacate it eventually.

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