Words of a Heart In Love

Posts Tagged ‘Kissing

Image result for woman shhI’ve been gone for some while now. Been trying to deal with the final breakup of my greatest love, the man responsible for me opening this blog. Last year on March 5, 2014, he told me it was over. I thought I would die, but I have been preparing myself for this moment many years before. In every blog I have posted here it is clear that it was undeniably going to happen. Well when that happened I joined the infamous Ashley Madison, hoping to chat with these married men who were on this site purposely looking for an affair. I thought if I joined I could ask them why they needed other women other than there wife. I figure through their story I could finally understand what I meant to the love of my life, and get the answers he always refused to give me. Needless to say I ended up hooking up with one very handsome breath taking 53 year old man. OMG! I would have never ever considered a man of that age, I usually lean towards the much younger (30-35) but he insisted and I was in needed of attention since I was trying to overcome my break-up after the 7 years rollercoaster emotions with the love of my life (because till this day I still do love him) anyway with this man (William) I realize that there can be a lot of passion if it’s the right man to show you, that age is definitely but a number and that there are still men out there than can awaken passion even in a newbie virgin like me; who never knew she could respond passionately even if there was not a long loving relationship.  In fact I learned that your first time (being a virgin and all) should in fact be with a man that can make you feel sexy, hot and desirable (all of which he DID).  A man that will treat you with a lot of passion and sexuality; while respecting and appreciating your body and the chance to touch and kiss you, like you’ve never been touched and kiss.  That’s the kind of man I should have lost my virginity too; one that will make me treasure the experience and remember it with a smile, shivers and desire.  Unfortunately in the nick of time, I stopped him, I still wanted to hold onto the fantasy of losing my virginity to the man I loved. Boy did I regret that, once I realized how much better the memory would have been with William, it was too late, I never managed to get him to see me again. He chose not to take my virginity and go back to his wife. Oh well :O(

So now back to the reason I’m posting this. On that site I also met another man, one handsome, elegant, smooth, slow paced and respectful man. We have been trying to get this going for a year now, and just when we were hitting it off, along come the Ashley Madison Hack. Now he is scared he is going to be exposed, to his wife, friends and clients. I get it and I’m furious with the hackers. Sure it’s exposing cheating men, but I am a firm believer that when a man cheats it’s not just his wrong doing, there IS a bigger reason and this problem involves BOTH in the marriage, it’s never the fault of one. People might hate me for saying this but it is the truth, a man does not cheat for fun, there is something missing, nor does a woman cheat for fun, it is also something missing, maybe feeling of neglect from the husband or something that pushes the person to cheat, to seek what is missing.

Maybe it was for the best, seems each time we are about to hook up something gets in the way. Maybe the universe is trying to save me for someone else *SHRUGS* someone not committed to a wife. As far as I’m concern I’m never falling in love again, I will always love “My Greatest Love” whom I now call “My Last Love”. Ever since the breakup 17 months ago; we have remained friends, he has called me 5 or 6 times. We email occasionally as friends and for that I’m grateful because at the end of the day, his friendship is what I treasure most, if I can have him on my side as a friend I don’t need him as a lover. That I do love him? True, but I can love him forever as my friend and live a very happy live, as I have been for the last 17 months. I have come a long way with therapy and have learned a lot about myself. I got this, I’m centered and I’m very happy. There’s so much more I need to write about but right now I’m too engrossed in school (made the Presidents List) blogging here felt good, hopefully I can come back and start from where I left off.

I’m not sure what all this hacking is going to do to the society in general, but I’m afraid there is going to be a lot of unnecessary pain. Maybe some couple will re-group and seek help and have a happy ending, one can’t tell. As for me? No telling what will come out of this, I’m single, I don’t have children and I haven’t really hurt anyone. I hope this all goes away soon for the sake of all those cheating, adventurous people who felt the need to join Ashley Madison.

I’ve been experiencing palpitations since Saturday, finally went to Doctor today.  She says I’m suffering from anxiety; because otherwise I seem fine.  Blood pressure good, EKG doesn’t reflect any abnormality in my heart; my lungs seem to be fine etc.  So she swears the palpitations I’m getting are caused by anxiety and prescribed me 50 mg of Zoloft saying I’m to take one daily (which BTW I’m not going to take).  Anyway I honestly do not agree with the Doctor’s prognostic, I don’t understand why I’m getting them; but I’m not anxious, on the contrary I’m excellent, I’ve had money coming my way, right now in the month of May alone, I got $2,200 dollar from a claim I filed in Aflac and I have $5,000 more coming sometime this month; for a procedure I get done to my eyes in consequences of my Diabetic Retinopathy.   I have been remodeling my apartment, new carpet, new curtain, throw pillows etc.  Fun! Fun! On top of that I’ve been going to therapy to try to understand why I feel I can settle to be the “other women” and wait for him to come around 5 months out of the year.  Which by the way; just like the Psychic predicted and has happened in the past; with May being our month, he did come back.  Out of nowhere he called me on May 24th and has been calling me ever since, has been throwing me kisses before hanging up, calling me baby, teasing me, replying quickly to my emails, in fact emailing me as soon as he gets into the office, emailing me from home etc.  Total change and not for no apparent reason, just cause, as he left in October he appeared again in May.  Am I loving it?  Yes!!!  Will I kid myself and set myself for pain when it’s over?  NO!!! (I know it will be over eventually just like it has these last 6 years) I’ve grown and I will continue to grow.  Dammit, do I love him?? Fuck me hard!!!  I do, but I will continue with my therapy and make sure I don’t wind up in the same place I was and have always been with regards to him.

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: