Words of a Heart In Love

Posts Tagged ‘Pain

Like the fish in the fisherman’s hook; I’ve been let go free and like that fish, I will just swim away and heal.

Things have changed… A lot!!! He continued to be distant with me since my last blog, he occasionally wrote to me, he barely called me at all *SHRUGS* On November I went on my first cruise ever YEY!!!! It was great, I loooooved it, if it weren’t for my dog and not wanting to leave him home alone I would definitely take at least 3 cruises a year LOL but unfortunately for me I love my little Baby and I refuse to leave him home at nights. You see I always have friends come over walk him, feed him, change his water and stuff, but at the end of the night when it is time to get in bed to sleep he is left wondering why Mami never came home. People say dogs can’t tell time but I honestly think they can; because when I came back from my cruise and carried him, he was extremely excited, he would lick me and even bite my lips when kissing me, (sorry if that grosses you out, I DO kiss my dog in the mouth) anyway while he was doing all that he was also making this little crying sound; so because of this I refuse to leave him over night by himself. Anyway right around the time I was leaving on my cruise he told me he was finally moving to the new employment building where he would not be able to call me and what not, I told him it was his choice and up to him, he asked “if I thought it was right and if we should continue”, I again told him it was his decision to make; not mines that it HAS always been him, he calls, he writes, he decides. We left the conversation there, he moved and he called me from his new place of work two days later, so I figured he had decided to find a way to make it work. Anyway I left to the cruise which I loved; I left on 11/22/2013 and returned on 11/25/2013 the purpose of it was to take the cruise on my 2012 birthday when I reached one of these age milestone (not saying which LOL) so I managed to book it right before my next birthday of 11/26/2013. Okay so I come back from the cruise we had been texting a bit (and by texting I mean, I text from my phone to his work email, because of course he NEVER texts from his phone, he is very careful that way) so I text when I left the port Canaveral and when I got back, all is good he is nice, friendly I guess. I emailed him I was back and hinted about my birthday being the next day, giving him the chance to wish me a Happy Birthday (why do we care so much for these little things) needless to say he totally ignored my birthday, emailed me on Monday morning from work but made no comment about my birthday. SO I did what every woman does, I got mad and said FUCK IT, I’M DONE, not talking to him ever again, it’s over. For close to a month I went on without talking to him, he emailed me and I ignored it, he even called me and I ignored it, wrote down the new number since I didn’t have it and went on with my plan. Of course I broke down and emailed him a hello stranger yata yata, we wrote back and forth but I still felt something had to give, I pushed him and he insisted all was good that he was busy *SHRUGS* It’s December now still going to therapy, started getting palpitations because I was holding in so much pain, so much feeling of neglect, so much anger that I refused to let out, I kept avoiding the issue, the confrontation and escaping the reality. Conversations between us are random, on Valentine’s Day I send him a Valentine email, he says “thanks; you too” and later that night checked our email, reads the email doesn’t reply to none and doesn’t go back for the remaining of the month; finally on march 4th I can’t take it anymore and I email him demanding to know “why he is so distant, that he could at least let me know all is well with him, that I miss him and would like to know that he is at least alive”, he answers that “all is good thank god and that he has no time for nothing that he doesn’t even have time to play with the play stations” (is that suppose to mean something) anyway I keep pushing and he then says “he is very busy with work and his family has him pulling out his hairs”, I still insist and ask “where does your busy schedule leave us”, to which he answers, “that he is trying to be a role model to his children and has begun to go to church and stuff”, again I tell him (only because I WANT and NEED him to tell me what he is trying to imply in complete sentence) “so does that mean you don’t want a relationship with me, are we over?” To which he responded “you knew from the beginning, but I can offer you my friendship”.  Wow, he finally ushered the words I needed to hear. I responded back with a huge email, told him “I was left speechless, that I wish I knew sooner so I could go get a switch at the hardware store and set my feelings to off, since I had no experience with this, oh wait I do, I have been heartbroken at least 4 times before… yata yata” told him “I understood all good things come to an end but the important thing is that it is in a way where the friendship and the good things don’t suffer the consequences and no ill feeling is left”. I reminded him “that we were friends for 2 years before he change the game plan, it was he who started it and that I don’t want that friendship; –which is the most important thing we shared for these 6 ½ years– to be lost”. Certainly I can’t be too much of a friend for now; but I would like to think that once my love for him has passed that we can still talk and laugh about everything and anything as we have for so many years now. So that’s how my love story ends.

 

That’s how my rollercoaster of love stops; these are the last Words of my Heart in Love. Now the healing starts, the forgetting and the moving on. I do not regret what we shared, I love him, he loved me somewhat (I guess) and now it’s done, he served his purpose, and they were many, with him I learned many things, he helped me get self-esteem, feel desirable, and loved. Unfortunately all the good things he gave me came with a very high price of pain which has broken me to the point of no return to where I will NEVER love again. I don’t say this just out of hurt, I’ve been saying this for more than a year now, even when we were not completely over. See I learned that a relationship hurts, not just because he was my lover.  The pain suffered in a relationship can be strong and real even if it’s your husband, your boyfriend, your fiancé, bottom line relationships hurts you and as I’ve said before the pain is not worth it, not at my age!!!!

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