Words of a Heart In Love

Posts Tagged ‘Relationships

Today I actually feel down and like crying, it’s been a while since I write on my blog, things are more or less the same; he calls and write sporadically.  I’ve been going to counseling for the last 8 months; trying to find out why I have been so emotionally attached to My great Love for such a long time.  I can’t really say what therapy; has or has not done for me.  I thought I was doing better, I thought I was overcoming the feeling I get when he isn’t around, when he doesn’t make me feel I matter to him; but I guess I was wrong because today for the first time after almost 8 months; I feel like crying.  I’m sad, I’m down and I’m mad.  I want to tell him Fuck You for not putting enough effort to talk to me even though things are crazy at work, fuck you for making me feel I just don’t matter enough for you to do so, and fuck you for making me feel all this time has been in vain and that I’m probably in the same fucked up emotional state I was in October.  Why can’t I hate him, and just walk the fuck away from him.  I’m so bitter and mad right now because instead I just fucking love him, and if it’s not love I feel; then I don’t know why the fuck I would let this hurt me so much and still today after almost 7 years continue to put up with it.  What is the matter with me GOOD GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!   FUCK ME HARD!!!!!!

Pardon my bad mouthing but I’m so mad and very disappointed with myself right now!!!!

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Haven’t come around to write much because I think I’m trying to avoid opening up, however I started my therapy sessions two weeks ago.  My therapist is great, I feel very confident that we will eventually get to the bottom of whatever is going on with me that allows me to settle for crumbs.  I broke my no contact rule with him a month ago and we spoke about where we were going, apparently he says he isn’t going anywhere, that his feelings for me haven’t changed, but actions speak louder than words, and regardless of what he says his action speak to me.  There is no way he could feel the same for me and yet not have time to invest in me.  Yes he emails me every day, and I can see he is putting in the effort to respond to me quickly, but at the same time I can feel it’s not the same, he is not as invested as I know he can be.  It doesn’t really matter anymore to me, why yes or why no; I just want to be over it and that is what I intend to get done with my therapy, I’m going to find me, and go back 30 years to where it all started.

Through my two sessions I have come to realize that one of the reason I can’t bring myself to let go of him and I allow the crumbs he gives me is because he is the FIRST man ever to make me feel desirable, to make me feel like a woman, to feel I CAN be attractive to the male species; and because of this I’m afraid that if I lose him, even the occasional him; I will never feel this way again, or better said no other man (one I feel attracted to as well) will ever feel or want me the way he has.  With him I have experienced things I’ve never before experienced, the intimacy I’ve shared with him I never ever had with no one before; the thing he did to me and I to him; were all new to me.  Of course I love him but loving someone isn’t the reason we stay for crumbs.  Another very strong reason I can’t seem to let go is because he filled the void, the emptiness left in my heart when my mom died.  In an attempt to escape my pain (which was unbearable) I chose to pretend all was well and not grief my mother; instead I poured all my efforts into him, in this new adventure, in this man who enticed me, his sexuality, how hot and good-looking he was, the fact that he was a Cuban and that generally speaking their very passionate, hot, experienced in bed, yata, yata.  So now I’m afraid that if I don’t have him, I’ll feel that void again.  My therapist says I have to go back to 2007 and grieve my mom, I don’t want to do it though; it’s too painful, I can’t do it, I don’t think I have the strength, it’s extremely emotional.  I need time, but eventually I’m thinking about starting a blog in her memory and go back to that moment when my heart and my soul were taken from me and try to work it out.  If this is what it will take so that I can finally let go of him or learn to accept our relationship for what it is, not need him in my life as I do, and accept whatever is to come in regards to him and me; then so be it, I’m sure I can manage.

Of course I am in a way much better place than many months ago, I don’t cry, I don’t feel miserable, and I don’t dwell on him, I just reply if he writes, I email him occasionally good morning and I keep him in a locked place in my heart with the agreement that he will have to vacate it eventually.

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