Words of a Heart In Love

I got a call from my doctor Friday, December 1^st because I had reached out to him a few days earlier to let him know that I wanted him to check a 5 day test that my neuro wants me to get done.  He called me back  while I was attending a wedding.  I was at the hotel in the family activity, I left the room immediately so I could listen only to his voice and we spoke maybe 10/15 minutes about the neurologist and about the test and he said that it seemed that it would be fine and that he didn’t see anything wrong with it.

When I got back to town on Wednesday, I went to his office to drop off the paperwork for the test, but his secretary said he was out and that she would leave it on his desk, she gave me a piece of paper and a pen so I could write him a note. I sat down and wrote down what I needed left it and called my neurologist and asked him to please send my PCP the results so that he could have a better understanding about what they really going to do, however they said the results will not be available to after January 3^rd.  I hung up with them and texted my Doctor and told him “I spoke with the neurologist, if you get a chance, give me a call” that was around 2:30 pm; around 5:01 pm I looked at the clock and I’m like; “well he’s not going to call me, because he’s already out”.  He gets out at five and he hasn’t called so, maybe he’ll call, maybe he won’t, and five minutes later, the phone rang, and when I looked at it, it was his call, but it wasn’t from his office number, this time he was calling me from his cell phone.  I could hear in the background Like movement, so it sound like he was either cleaning out his desk  –I thought to myself, “oh he’s calling me now that he’s finishing his day” – but then I realize that not only was I hearing keys. I was also hearing like doors closing and car door opening; so I was like, “oh wait a minute he’s calling me on his cell phone while he’s walking and leaving the office to his car” so I thought to myself “I probably have a few minutes of him, maybe 10/15 minutes”, he got in the car, I could hear everything, the radio, the car engine starting, and he started talking about, you know the reason why I needed him to call me and explain, what the neurologist said.  He explained to me in more detail what the test was and why they do it and what are the things they do on the test and for what it’s done. 

I was enjoying every moment and closing my eyes while he spoke to me and just sucking in his voice while I was in my bed just laid down there talking with the man I’m in love with, that doesn’t know I’m in love with him, and enjoying that intimate, at least for me intimate moment, of speaking to this man while I’m in my bed, barely clothed.  Our medical conversation lasted 7 minutes, the call lasted 66 minutes all the way until he got home and even when he got home he sat in the car for 4-7 minutes more before he said good-bye see you soon (next Dr appt 12/13/23) because I heard when the car turned off and it felt great that he didn’t want to rush me off.

We spoke about so many things, it was more his side of the things because I was the one asking all the questions. He asked me some questions and he got some of my information too, but mostly I asked more about him, about, his life, his place of origin, his children and his family life and it was so wonderful. I still don’t understand how we manage to talk on the phone for an hour and six minutes.  Yes, I timed it and I loved every second of it I don’t know what it means though. Does it mean that he is lacking that communication at home?  Is it that he’s just so sweet and such a wonderful and dedicated person who reaches out to patients like that?  Does he feel, the way I feel?  Is there a connection on his side, like there is on my side?  It was great to talk to him for a full hour, where it was just him and me, and it had nothing to do with his doctor’s office.  I wasn’t sitting in front of him like a patient. I was on the phone on a private cell phone call, talking about all things not medical things.  We spoke about the test just the first 7 minutes, everything else was normal people things.

I loved it and I know that there’s a connection between me and him, I mean a whole hour on the phone with no awkward silence?,  Definitely there has got to be something happening between us, the real question is, what is it It was so great, There was so much I really wanted/wished I could tell him.  I want him so much more now and I’m going to have to tell him, because I want to be with him I don’t care how.  I’m not trying to make him leave his home. 

I’m not trying to make him fall in love with me. I’m just trying to enjoy what apparently is going on between us.  Maybe it might not be a sexual connection but there is a connection. We spoke about everything.  I learned so many things about him.  He doesn’t live where I thought he lived. He lives closer to me now that I know exactly where he lives.  I could probably run into him one day.  I could have ran into him the other days.  I was in my gym and I was thinking imagine if he were walking through that door right now to come and work out, not knowing that it was a very good possibility because he lives close to the gym area.

Among other many thingS, we spoke about his three college children.  I told him “sorry to ask, but how old are you” and he told me he was 53.  He definitely looks older than his age because he looks like he’s, I don’t know maybe 60.  I don’t really care if he’s looks 70, to me, looking at him, all I see is this wonderful, gorgeous man.  The man that I want to hold, kiss and touch; and allow to have him touch, kiss and hold me.

Yes, I know; Love is blind; what can I say?  I’ve said it already a million times and now I believe it for sure because I’m crazy about this man!!!

Getting ready to head out to a family wedding. Here wishing it meant he too was going with me, that it was for a date with him. Yeah a girl can dream!!!

I went to the office to drop off a paper for him of a test I need to get done. He was not working today, as I was told by the front desk. I left a hand written note for him explaining the purpose of the paper which she offered to leave on his desk.

While writing the note I felt so close to him, a hand written note, havent done those in a while. In the note I asked him to review,the paper and exlained briefly what I needed him to review. I asked him to call me if he neded further explanation. He should be in tomorrow, just hope not to miss his call if he choses to call me while in the middle of the wedding ceremony.

Today is the 15th and it is 4:30 in the morning. I woke up at 2:45 AM, I couldn’t sleep.  I don’t know if it is in anticipation of my appointment today with him at 11:30 am. I know that I’ve been thinking about him a lot and I’m dying to see him. One part of me is dying to see him. The other part is like, thinking that after today I won’t be seeing him for three months. There really is no reason to see him sooner, and it’s making me feel sad because I’m already dreading it.

I don’t even know what I’m going to do today. I don’t understand. I’m so confused right now.  I’m full of emotions. I’m happy, and in part I’m sad. This sounds so confusing but it’s how I’m feeling right now and I’m going to stop now because my heart started beating really fast.  It’s ironic, my doctor is making my heart beat erratically.

So I got to my doctor’s appointment today at 11 AM. I’m just dying to see him and of course my heart was beating faster than what it was this morning at 2:00 am.  He had on a blue shirt, he looks so handsome.  When he walked into the room I was moving to the other side and he told me; “it’s OK you can stay there”, but I wanted to sit on the other side because I wanted to be closer to him as I usually do.

I felt him a little bit more personal. I would almost swear that I sensed that he wanted to be there, just as much as I wanted him to be there.  I avoided looking at him, because I was afraid he could read in my face or my eyes my feelings for him.  I avoided eye contact as much as I could.  He examined my legs touched my knee.  I took off my socks so he could check and inspect my under feet, which he touched, between my toes and check to see how the healing was going. I showed him the spots that are on my boob next to the wound that help me cure.  One of my nipples popped out a bit (embarrassing, not as fun as I thought it would be)  and he touched them with his bare hands – I wish at that moment I would’ve felt him as a man but because I really had concerned for those spots I was really seeing him as a doctor, which I regret – he said they are just marks from that thing I get the folliculitis I get randomly around my body. He took my blood pressure, he took my pulse and i took his, only so I could touch him on his wrist and also touched his neck, you know trying to break that physical barrier. ARRRGH was frustrating as heck I wanted to hold him close.

I don’t really know what else to say about our session, other than of course as usual it lasted 45 minutes and then an additional 15 minutes because he put me on oxygen for the palpitations, that he doesn’t understand, he’s the one that causes them, I mean I can’t tell him “I have palpitations, because I’m so near you” but nonetheless he put me on oxygen to make sure that my palpitations would diminish before I left.  He also told me to let him know tomorrow, via text (to his cell phone) or call him to let him know, how I’m doing.  Of course I want to call him, I just want to hear him, listen to his soft voice over the phone mmmmmm!!!

So anyway, after the oxygen he came into the room twice and it felt almost like he didn’t want me to leave. He told me to come back in a month so he could check my feet again. It felt more like he just wants me to come back in a month because he just wants to see me again, I’m not complaining. Of course I want to see him too. I really want to see him out of the office. I want to see him intimately, privately, where he might maybe kiss me and maybe I could kiss him back, and I could feel him intimately; if you know what I mean. I left and, I’m going to say like an hour later he called me from his office to ask me why I was asking for certain prescription that the pharmacy requested. I personally didn’t request anything from the pharmacy but I’m glad they did because that prompted him to call me and tell me that I don’t need that medication because he had already prescribed me something different, but it was just wonderful and it almost felt like he just wanted to talk to me. I’m not even sure, bottom line is that I got to talk to him on the phone and I am going to text him tomorrow like he asked me, to let him know that I’m doing OK, although I hope secretly that he’ll text me back and that it opens the door; and you might be wondering, the door too what?  Well, the door to maybe us getting personal, going past that boundary that is pretty hard to go pass, but I so much want!!! I just want to kiss that man, I want to kiss him, I want him to kiss me, I want to touch him, I want to hold him.  I want to have a fling with him!!!!! I said it, yessss I want it so bad.  so anyway after we hung up, I kept doing what I was doing with my niece and my nephew.

I got home at 6:30 pm and of course I called his office number but he was not there, I don’t know what I would’ve done if he would’ve picked up.  Now I’m just sitting here thinking about him wishing I had access to him, wanting him so bad not understanding what I feel, am I in love, am I infatuated? What is going on? What is for sure is that I wouldn’t mind having a relationship, intimate, all-inclusive with this man or at least what I think him to be, what I have perceived of him and I think he’s so handsome. I don’t know why my friend say he is not, because I see him so handsome, his smile is so sweet, so warm, his eyes so tender, his hands are so soft, he’s so smart, so patient, so mature, serious, but at the same time he’s kind of joyous and I enjoy talking to him so much.  Aside from whatever I might be feeling for him, I feel so comfortable with him and it feels like he’s feels the same.  He talks to me very comfortably and he laughs and it looks like he enjoys when he’s there with me or is he like that with everybody? I don’t know but I’m going to think that he’s not. I’m going to feel that it’s just me that I’m special, it would be sad if he’s like that with everybody and I just winded up falling in love with the person he is, instead I rather believe that it with me that he feels something special for me too.

So I know that I wrote that I wouldn’t be seeing him until November 15^th’ but last Wednesday when I took my blood pressure in the morning it was really high; so I had to call the doctor’s office to see if I could go over and have the MA take my blood pressure – as oppose to going to the ER – and they said to go around 3:00 pm that they were short staffed, but they could work me in so that she could take my blood pressure and also check my BP machine to make sure there’s nothing wrong with it.

I arrived around three or maybe closer to three.  I sat in the front , when I went to sign in the girl asked me, “have you had any contact with anyone with Covid?” I said no, but I did remember my nephew has been sick for two days and I had asked his girlfriend, which is my niece, to check him for Covid.  So I called to make sure and she told me that she still had not checked him.  I told the receptionist I was not sure and she then had me put on a mask.  She came to get me in order to take me back to go to one of the consultations room, so I’m not in the front you know, and when she was walking me to the back the MA that was going to be taking care of me immediately stopped her right on her track (rudely I might add) and said “no she needs to wait in the front until I get her, we are busy”.  I felt she was very rude, actually it is not just about her being rude – I’m not even going to talk about that right now – back to my doctor. 

So they put me in the little room. Of course he came in after she took my vitals and checked them again because my blood pressure was still high, he bought me a medication to lower it, and was with me in that room for 45 minutes.  A lot of the same things that we always do happened (you know Doctor stuff), and I was just looking at him, adoring him, of course looking at how handsome he is to me and how much I wanted to touch him and have him touch me, how much I wish I could kiss him.  As always, he was so attentive to me and sweet.  I don’t understand what’s going on.  I don’t know.  I think I’ve said this so many times in this blog, because it’s so true!!!  I just don’t know.  I feel so connected to him when I’m in his office and I feel that he’s connected to me, but what if it’s just me wanting him so badly to be connected to me? What if he’s not connected to me, and that’s the most frustrating part of all this. 

I was able to see him, it had been I think 20 days since I saw him last and I can’t wait for the next 8 days to go by fast so I can see him again and this is frustrating me because I want more.  I want so much more with him and I don’t know if I’m even going to get it.  I am so in love, but so in love.  I look at him and I just tried to understand why I am so attracted to him? Why am I so into him, he is just this older looking man, who is not my type at all and no matter how much I looked at him on Wednesday trying to find something to critique something to turn my feelings off. I couldn’t find it and it just makes me sad because I want him more and more every time I see him, nothing makes me not want him.  Doesn’t matter what he might look like to others, to me he is handsome, sweet, tender and I so want to have him kiss me and touch me, and want me too.

I’m fighting with what I’m feeling and afraid of where this is taking me. I don’t want to go to that place.  I know that I am the type of woman that really falls in love when she falls in love, I don’t want to go through this with my doctor.  Especially if he can’t feel the same back.  But of course I don’t know if he does, and the only way to know would be having to tell him how I feel and I doubt he will cross that line.  I feel if I did he would turn me away for if no other reason the fact that I’m his patient and the he will most likely tell me he can no longer treat me as a patient in lieu of my confession.  So unless he takes the first step I will continue to be frustrated and unsure.

😦

I know I haven’t written anything in a few days.  It’s not for lack of things to say, it’s just that I am like refusing to say them, because when I write here, a lot of things come to mind, and they become a reality once I actually write them down.  These past few days have not been easy for me.  I’ve come to realize that I miss him so much, and that I really wish I could see him like every day – if it was up to me – but is unrealistic, because he is just my doctor. He’s not even my friend he’s somebody that I fell in love with, and that I have no idea if he feels the same for me.  I don’t even know if I’ve made up all this love and all this fantasy.  I don’t know why I would make it up, because I know that I’ve been nine years in a relationship on and off with another person and I have not fallen in love with him, not even remotely, so how is it that I managed to fall in love with this doctor in the spam of seven months. That’s all it took me, seven months to fall in love with a person who is way older than me, or if he’s not older than me, he looks way older than me.  He is  not my type and yet I fell in love with him.

I’ve come to realize these past days that I’m beginning to feel nostalgia, sorrow, sadness, a sense of loneliness; because I haven’t seen him in 20 days now.  I haven’t seen his smile, hear him giggle at one of my smart funny comments when we’re talking during my consultations, see his hands typing on the keyboard, touch me (while checking my knees, legs, or BP, heart rate etc.) I miss him so much, and that is why I haven’t written because when I do it becomes so much more real.

I realize that I am beginning to set myself for a long agony and I try to tell myself “Stop it, stop thinking about him, stop letting him be the first thing that comes to your mind when you wake up, do not allow him to be the last thing in your mind when you get in bed, do this for yourself, for your own protection, for your own peace of mind but as much as I tell myself;  I can’t because I feel that there might be an opportunity with us, that I might be able to have him, that maybe he does want to be with me too, and maybe if I help him cross that boundary he will cross it, and I could experience being with him. I can’t stop feeling we can be something special together. 

I want more than just being his patient and when I come here to blog about all these feelings that are flowing, all these wants, desires become so real, which is why I have been away for a few days, but I’m still very much in love with my doctor.  I have no doubt about it.  I’m saying that I’m in love, I’m still not saying that I love him.  But I am in love for sure.  I catch myself many times during the day thinking about him, wondering what he’s doing, picturing him in the consultation room with a patient, picturing him in his office, sitting down doing paperwork.  I picture him leaving the office and driving home, sadly not to me, to someone else, and to add more pain to injury I start talking out to the universe asking to please have him remember me. I speak out his name and I tell him remember me, think about me, hoping that I could throw it out there and the universe will make it happen.  Who knows right, one can dream right?

So yesterday, Monday,  I went to my doctor’s office because my niece needed an FMLA paperwork that shows that she cares for me.  I emailed him early in the morning the paperwork that my niece gave me – of course last minute, because that’s how young people process their stuff –  I emailed him, and I asked if he could fill these FMLA papers for us.  I told him that I apologize if it’s not supposed to be through him, and  if I need to go to the office, I just was not sure how I need to go about it, who do I send it to, and if it was at all possible that he could have it done by the 17th of this month.  Again I apologized for the intrusion.  So I called an hour later and let the Receptionist know to inquire about it with the doctor as well so she would let me know when I get there.  I finally get there around 2:30 pm I was there to pay my balance and get a referral, whilst there I ask if the doctor answered my question the Recep. Say oh no I haven’t asked he was busy seeing clients or whatever I don’t really care I was in a rush. I just wanted to be proactive and know ahead of time what’s going on how much more time they might need for it.  So anyway she then says “ he’s with a patient right now but I’ll ask him as soon as he’s done”, I’m like no problem, take your time I have other stuff to do here, I’ll wait no problem, no rush.  So I do what I came to do, then sit down for 10-15 minutes, get up go to the Restroom, come back sit down and then immediately the secretary comes opens the door and asked me to go in “the doctor wants to see you” and I go in thinking I’m going to go into a consultation room but I’m going into his office.  I walked in, there he is sitting in his white coat behind his desk, looking handsome, hot, sexy, my heart just sunk into my stomach because I wanted so badly to touch him, kiss him, do something, but of course I just sat down and he said again thank you for the “Alapurrias” of a week ago; I said “of course, you’re very welcome. I hope you liked it”.  We spoke about that. He sat down. I sat down, cross my legs to cover my CROCS. I have charms with his initials on my crocs.

I was there from 3:45 pm to 4:35 something like that.  He sat there and proceeded to fill out the papers for me.  After he finished I told him that if there was any cost for it, and he said “no, no cost at all” I responded “Oh my God thank you so much. I’m so sorry for bothering you and for the rush. You didn’t really have to do it so fast” and he “said no problem, was my pleasure” and of course I stood up to leave; he walked me out to the exit door.

I wanted so badly to just latch onto his neck and kiss him, but of course I just smiled again and said thank you.  Went to the front desk made a few jokes with the girls at the front and left.  I got home and I texted him. “Thank you so much for being so attentive with me and always helping out You are wonderful as is your staff” and of course I was not expecting a response, but he did respond “My pleasure. I’m always here for anything you need”  I took a day to actually open the message because I feel that if I open it, I want to answer, “I want to go out with you, I’m in love with you, I want to kiss you”.  So in order to keep it professional. I took a day to open it. 

So that was my day yesterday.  Do you guys think this is a normal behavior?  For a doctor, I’m just confused.   I have a cousin who’s been waiting for her FMLA for the last two weeks and a half and they haven’t given it to her and I just tell him this morning via email that I need it and I go to the office and I’m passed back to his office and he fills it out as I sit and wait. It’s not even being done by his secretary and given to me and I just don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know I’m confused am I wrong to think that that’s some special treatment?

I had my Saturday session with my therapist and it was very hard. I realize that I’m in love with an impossible and unavailable man.  I miss him so much.  I’ve been trying to not stay alone today, just so I didn’t have to think about how difficult my session was and how I realize that I love someone who can’t love me back, who won’t love me back, who might never love me back, who probably doesn’t even want me as a woman, but I managed to fall in love with him, and it hurts me so much to realize, what has been happening between us, is as far as it will go.

Nonetheless here I sit; at 11 o’clock at night and I wonder, what is he doing? Is he sleeping? Is he having a conversation with his wife? Is he thinking about me, is he bored? I honestly don’t think any of that is happening he’s probably having a conversation with his wife maybe he’s probably just sleeping or maybe he’s just sitting in his living room watching some sport some Spanish channel and his wife is minding her own business, that’s if he has a wife, and yeah, I am sitting here in my bed, thinking about him fantasizing about him, desiring him wanting to kiss him, very passionately.  Not the kind of kiss he might be getting from his wife, which is a more softer familiar kiss, instead of a kiss full of hunger, passion, love that is burning me up and I so want to give him.

This man wasn’t meant to be mine and I don’t understand how the world went around in circles and led me straight to him and allow me to fall in love with him the way I have!!!  What am I going to do?  I don’t want to live this nightmare, this loneliness, this feeling that I don’t belong to him, he doesn’t belong to me.  Reminds me of this song:

I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her

And I’ll never be her…

Sadly the story of my life… in my Therapist session today he told me that I need to pick one: I could delay and see where he is coming from, I could confront him or shoot myself in the Foot and just ask him. I have to consider the fact that I could lose him as a doctor if I go and shoot myself on the foot and tell him how I feel and what I want from him, or I could pretend and delay the outcome maybe wait till I’m completely in good health and then tell him and suffer the consequences of losing him as a doctor.  I just know I have to do something but at this moment, like I told my therapist I’m just going to delay the issue because I don’t know what to do, how to do it.

This past week I’ve been secretly sad, having my moments of crying and pushing away the feeling of emptiness, desperation, and sadness of thinking that it’s not going to happen with him.  I thought that I could never fall in love again and I did, ugh but with a wonderful man who I can’t have, and I don’t even know if that’s a good thing or bad.

How did this happen; in my eyes, he’s so perfect.  I see him and I melt.  I see his lips and I want to kiss him and it’s so crazy because if you look at him you would see an old man, and I look at him and I see this man that I want to kiss and touch and have him touch me.  I see passion, I don’t, I don’t understand but that’s what I see.  I think he is passionate because at least when he touched my knees, touched my legs, my back, I feel the tingling in my skin, his fingers are electrifying, just like if he knows exactly what he’s doing. If he knows what he’s doing or not, it’s anybody’s guess but it does feel good. Just thinking about it right now I start tingling all over!  Universe, give me just this!  Can I have him, can I kiss him? Can I go away with him one night and explore his body and have him explore mine, and feel all those things that I have never felt before with someone like him, someone with such a gentle soft touch, such a sweet smile, yeah I’m in love for sure!

The session finished at 12 and this is the time that I’m getting home at 11:18 PM. I kept going around in circles everywhere, just as long as I didn’t have to be by myself, because I wanted to avoid doing what I’m doing right now. Thinking about my day, thinking about my session, thinking about my feelings, thinking about my pain, thinking about not having him, all this thinking I was trying to avoid; but here I am.

Stopping now because I don’t want my night to get even worse.  It’s horrible not knowing, not being able to just text him something  to his cell, having his number and just not being able to text him how I feel and maybe have him feel the same.  I don’t have an appointment for five weeks, which I wish would be more than five weeks because I really think I need that separation from him.