Words of a Heart In Love

I must realize and accept that he; if intrested in me, will not take the step I wish he took. I can’t put myself out there anymore than I have so far. My last visit with him was last week again due to a clogged ear. I sent him this message on tuesday and I havent heard back from him although I went to the office this Monday to leave a paper in the office with the recepcionist for him, he still has yet to send the order for the test. Not like him he usually does everything fast for me. 

The message I sent him when i left the office was this one “Thank You!!! You are so awesome in so many ways “his Name”!!! If only I would’ve ran into you sooner! I’m just happy that I did when I did although it took a car accident ;0( Good night love *Praying hands, Heart, Kissing emoji” Maybe that was too much because he has been radio silent for 9 day now *Tear*. Not sure what to do or say to him now. I’m going to give him two weeks before I reach out to the office to ask why I havent gotten the referral yet. I hope it is just that he is busy and nothing more.

Needless to say I am missing him, I’M SUPER SAD and I’m loosing my shit, reasons why I’ve been unable to blog, I’m trying to find acceptance and hold back the pain, dissapointment, etc and all that comes with having to let go (if im actually going to do so) of something your hear desires so badly :0(

So two weeks ago I woke up very congested. I’ve been really congested for the last three days. I believe it started Friday before last.  It was bad Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I’ve been taking over-the-counter medication and trying to do my best to get rid of this head cold, sore throat, itchy left ear and runny nose.  No body aches or anything; but the thing is yesterday I woke up really bad and I figured let me call the doctor’s office and see if they have an appointment for me.  I don’t care who I got scheduled with; albeit that I’m in love with my doctor and it would be great if it was him but I didn’t really care because I just wanted to make sure that I don’t get bronchitis or that it be something more serious anyway, I called the office they gave me an appointment for today at 3:45 pm, but this morning I got a call around 10 AM and it was from my doctor office, letting me know that he had a cancellation and that if I wanted to see him now via telehealth.  The call woke me up, so I was like, well if I have enough time to get out of bed and get dressed sure.  I got out of bed, got a call from the nurse, took my blood pressure, my sugar, my oxygen, my temperature, and I gave all that to her over the phone and then hung up and got dressed real quick for my telehealth call with my boyfriend also (as I like to call him) but he is just really my Doctor but in my dreams, my boyfriend *SHRUG*  Consultation started  and he came to view on my screen, hto see if I had inflammation, like if it hurt when I touch my ear, when I touch the back of my neck, when I touched the side of my nose etc.

During the consultation he thanked me for the cup that I sent him via Amazon for Christmas which had a little message which he hadn’t read as follows: “Enjoy your gift! Hope it keeps your coffee warm while you are taking such good care of your patients. I for one am very blessed to have crossed paths with such a caring, committed and dedicated Doctor. From TtAhiA”  he told me that he liked it and it was great.  I prefer in person instead of TELEHEALTH so that I could have him touch me, but I was pretty exposed, no bra, just a real low-cut shirt, when we were done talking and everything I told him we need to go and have a cup of coffee together and he just laughed, with that little wicked smile, that just melts me and then he said, “yeah, we could, we need to plan it”, I responded “I’m going to hold you to it” and then a little later we just said goodbyes and he logged off and of course I spent the rest of the day thinking about him and doing a whole bunch of errands, but thinking about him.   Thinking about how handsome he looked.

I’m going to say that he looked so happy to see me as well.  I don’t know if it’s just me but is he into me too.  Well I asked my “Alexa Echo” how do you know if your doctor is into you?   If he is interested in you romantically, to which she responded – that if you feel that he gives you a lot of attention, that’s a sign and also if he touches you while he’s talking to you and if he looks you in the eyes and if he smiles, and if he asks you things about your life or if he also shared things about his life –  all these things do happen when we’re together, he has touched me, he does look at me in the eyes and smiles, especially today.   

I don’t know what to say, but yeah I believe that every sign is represented when I’m with him and the fact that he told me “yes, we need to plan it”.  It has me full of excitement because I’m hopeful, I wonder, is he really going to cross the line? Is he really going to go have a cup of coffee with me? Because if I get him to have a cup of coffee with me, I am definitely going to get what I want, and I know it sounds selfish, and I’m sorry for those who are reading it and might be judging me, but I am in love with this man, I really want to be with him.  I want to experience having a feeling for a man and also wanting to be with him, because albeit that I have been in love before I never ever wanted to kiss a man or hold a man or be sexually intimate with a man as much as I want with this man, so I’m sorry please don’t judge me.

I’m not going to break his marriage, I’m not going to affect his doctor license. I’m just trying to experience this feeling that is consuming me.  Maybe we’re just soulmates, I feel completely like I’m in love with him. I don’t think that I just like him. I actually think that I’m in love with this man and I think that my body aches for him and that I want to be with him.  I know I sound like a crazy person ranting, but I’m not. I just have so much going on in my mind and in my heart too.

Tomorrow I get to see him again, and I can’t wait!!!   I miss him so much!!!

Sitting here in my seizure study thinking about him. I will be seeing him tomorrow, I’m full with all kinds of mixed emotions. Excited, dying to see him, feel him look at me, be in his presence even if he does not know how I feel about him. I just know after the visit I’m going to be sad because I probably won’t be seeing him for three months.

I’m not sure what he is thinking or feeling and maybe if I knew for sure I could decide if I’m willing to go that route with him or not. That I’m in love no doubt, does it make me sad, yes, it does, why? Because I wish that in a perfect world he wasn’t married and available, and if not at least willing to trust that I am discreet and would never jeopardize his home or work, but I know he won’t cross that line with me being I’m his patient, even if he does feel any type of attraction towards me.

My appointment time with him is at 3:30 pm there was no 11:30 am available, let’s see how long I’m in his office, Is he going to be cold to me, did he regret calling me and talking with me for an hour? Did he catch himself and feel he shouldn’t have done that, and now is going to act like a normal Dr does with me. I hope not, it would be too hard for me now. I know I need to define this FAST, before I reach a point of no return and I find myself in that emotional hole I promised I would never put myself ever again after my last love. But yet here I am walking right into the gas chamber LOL a bit of humor while I can still find humor in it *SHRUGS*

To be continued after my visit, OH MY GAWD I CANT WAIT!

I can’t help but think about him and miss him so much. I won’t be seeing him until the 15th of November and trust me it is hard. IT FEELS SO FAR AWAY, I close my eyes at night and I see his beautiful smile.  I feel his hands touching me and I go to that place of pure desire for him. I say his name until I fall asleep. Yes, I got it bad, real bad. Sadly I’m almost sure he has not even noticed I’m crazy about him, nor that he makes my skin burn when he touches me.

The last time I saw him was because I needed another injection to control my
Sciatica Nerve, it was sudden.  I was in the office working, last Tuesday the 17^th; and I called to see if they could give me an injection or prescription and he told the nurse to tell me to come in instead, that he had availability from 1:30 pm till COB; that he needed to check me first. So of course I went, I took a 3:30 PM apt and was there with him until 4:45 pm or so. Time fly’s in there,
and I don’t know why.

The consultation was great, he looked so damn handsome, mmmm I love how he looks in blue. The shirt was opened two buttons, no mask on, nicely combed, as handsome as always. He checked me out as usual, you know clinically check me out, (not the other sexual check me out) he touched my lower back, he touched my knees, legs, neck and of course I secretly was enjoying every pressure point he touched, and wanted so much more, but that is not going to happen.

The session was over so quickly, (at least it felt like that to me) and it’s been now exactly a week since I last saw him, heard him or anything him!  So as you can see; I more than miss him, I think, since I met him in January this is the first time I’ve been away and it felt like it’s been weeks when in fact it’s just been seven days. I guess it feels like that because now I look forward to seeing him because I’m falling or better said, I have fallen for him.

There are millions of thoughts running rampant through my head, but yeah I am more and more in love with this impossible love for a wonderful, sweet, tender and caring man and there is no more beating my head about it.  It’s a fact at this point!!!

AAARGHHH I WANT HIM TO WANT ME BACK!!!!

On Wednesday I had the follow up appointment for my Fall at the emergency room. I thought it was at 11:30 but I got a call telling me that it was at 10:30 I was like, oh crap I was stopping to get “Alcapurrias” and I was sure it was at 11:30 am.  Luckily she changed it for me.  I got there around 11:05 am.  I was taken to the back around 11:15/11:20 am.  The nurse took my vitals and then my doctor came in.

It was wonderful to see him. I miss him so much seeing his beautiful face. This is just getting to a place where I need to stop. I need to figure out what I’m going to do because this is not going to be enough for my heart, it is not going to fill me up.  I’m going to miss him more and moreevery time.

At one point when he was reviewing my knee, he started circling it with his two fingers, circling the knee part, asking me if it hurt and saying that it looks better and also saying that it was like a red spot that if I could see it, I will look and say no, and he would rub his finger around it again.  It feels so damn good I just I couldn’t help myself. I had to close my eyes and just enjoy the feeling of his fingers on my knee and

on my leg you know the bottom part of my leg.  Oh my, his fingers are so soft he really knows how to use them too.  It’s just so overwhelming because I want so much more. I really want to kiss him, hold him. I want him to want to kiss me, I want him to take me on a date.  I just can’t. I can’t control myself and it fills me with a little bit of pain, because I know I’m not going to get more from him.  I don’t even know if he does want it or if he doesn’t want it.  I don’t know what’s going through or is not going through his mind.  What I do know is that he’s not going to do anything (at least I feel he is not) and I’m just going to sit here every time I go to the doctor’s appointment frustrated, wanting more and reminisce about what we could be or not be.

I’m definitely taking myself to the dark place that I don’t want to be at, but I just don’t know what to do because I am so into him, in every way, physically, emotionally, sexually, argh!!!  I just want him, I just want to see him.  I want to talk to him, I want to be with him.  I don’t even know what I want to do anymore.

It’s just too much. The visit lasted a while I went in at I’m going to say 11:20 AM and I left around 12:30 pm, so it was a good hour.  when he came in the first thing he told me was “Thank you for the “Alcapurrias” (that I bought for him and other staff to sample” I’m going to eat it later. I said “you should’ve eaten it now, I could’ve waited” to which he answered “no it’s OK. I’ll eat it later” and he didn’t rush our appointment.   I figured he would rush it but he didn’t.  He had all my labs, so he spoke to me about all my results, about my health.

I really don’t know what else to say not that I don’t have what to say. I just don’t know if it’s worth saying it because I myself am confused.  When he was touching my knee today, I was just looking at his beautiful face, his eyes, his lips, wishing that I could express how I feel to him but I don’t really know what will happen if he actually knew that I fell in love with him.  I’m used to being rejected, besides it’s just not right considering that he is probably married and his doctor oath.  So he definitely can’t or won’t cross the patient/doctor line.  So  I’m afraid if he notices how I feel about him it’ll shut him down or maybe he knows and he enjoys it, so how do I know which is it? He knows it and enjoys it or just doesn’t know it and it’s just the way he is.


So anyway, the session or the consultation lasted till 12:30 Pm as i walked out of the office I said I was looking forward to not having to come back for a another year, and he laughed and said “no, never a year at most 3 months”. I smiled and left with him saying to make sure to schedule my appointment for 6 weeks from today for the other follow up labs. If it were up t me i would want to come everyday just to see him.

I sat in the car for a while getting my things together to drive away.  Before driving away I text him on his cell phone asking him if he liked the “Alcapurrias” that I bought for him and the office staff to taste. Of course I want him to taste it, but I wasn’t just going to bring it to him, so I put the whole staff and he responded “Thank you, It was very good!” and I responded. “My pleasure, I’m glad you enjoyed it!” I wanted to throw him a kiss or put a heart emoji, but my friend told me not to put it, so I didn’t.

He hasn’t responded anything back, and I guess he won’t, and that’s the sad part that I know he won’t.  It doesn’t matter if he likes me or not.  I honestly don’t know if he likes me or not, and that’s the very very very frustrating part of all of this; because I want to know if he likes me, I want to know if there’s a chance that he might invite me one day for dinner, and that I might be able to kiss him.

I don’t even know why I want to kiss him, for what?  To then get more in love, to be more involved, to go to that place that I don’t want to go… yeah had to pause because I started crying. It just hurts that I can’t have him and I’m not going to have him and there is really nothing I can do because; what can I do?  Just plainly tell him, let’s go out I’m interested in you, are you interested in having an affair?  How can I ask him, my doctor, something like that? I can’t no matter how badly I want him.