Words of a Heart In Love

Archive for April 2014

  • In: Mi Gran Amor
  • Comments Off on Can the pain of a broken heart, hurt so bad you actually feel it in your chest?
    • “The worst feeling is pretending you don’t care about something, when it’s all you seem to think about”  -Wiz Khalifa

I’m not sure what is happening, I know that I was doing well for 11 days with no palpitations and was feeling so confident. However, Friday out of no where at work I got a palpitation, then again when I left work and all through the weekend. I kept wondering why is this coming back, if I’m feeling fine, yes I love him and occasionally miss him, have a thought of him here and there, but nothing to ruin my day or bring down my spirits. So then, why the palpitations? Today is Tuesday and I’m still feeling them, I took a Xanax (prescribed) last night so I can sleep and avoid getting them in bed, and that is exactly what I did; sleep to the point I was late to work. I’ve had the palpitations all day at work, they come and go.  I have shortness of breath and even the occasional funny feeling in the head. Hell I’m getting them right now as type. Is it him? Last we wrote was on April 3 and it was mostly about his pet dying and me getting a few comments out of my chest related to a drama a close friend of mine is going through, because her husband was caught in a 4 year affair and the girl he had the affair with has gone TOTALLY postal on him, to the extreme of tagging the wife’s entire family (my friend) on Facebook with picture, messages and text showing the 4 year affair they had. Since my X knows about this drama, I wanted to make sure he was aware of how lucky he is that although I feel hurt, abandoned, disregarded, forgotten, taken for granted, and all those feeling of pain and immense hurt; I would never for one moment considered harming his happy home. Could I??? Yes, first and foremost the pain I’m feeling, the emptiness he left me with, the years of putting up with it all just to keep us going strong thinking it would be worth it, when in reality it was not. All the things I never told him, like “Why the heck haven’t you call me this week” or “Why did you leave home for the weekend and didn’t even call to say good bye”, etc. So many things I withheld back to keep the flow of our special friendship. All these feelings added to the fact that I have direct contact information of his wife and her entire family as well as Photos, messages, even a video of our last visit (XXX accidental by the way, I had NO IDEA my laptop still had the cam recording from like 3 hours prior to his arrival) yet I would never dream of doing something like that crazy woman.  So I wanted to make sure he KNEW he should appreciate the kind of woman I am. Even though at the end of the day, I shouldn’t care. Well anyway today as you can see I’m feeling HORRIBLE, I’m missing him, and I’m only realizing it now that I started writing here wondering why I had palpitations.  I guess my heart is hurting in silence, to the point that it had to find a way to let out the pain by giving me palpitations and trying to get my attention (Denial much?). I need this to be done!!! I hate how much I love him and I hate how broken I am. Now tears begin to form in my eyes at that last statement. WHY does he get to be alright? Why does he get to continue with no regrets? Why does it feel it has been a breeze for him to just DUMP me like a piece of shit and call it “Trying to be a Role model for my children” okay so this last statement came out with anger, form a place I have not touched yet. Letting GoGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR yeah maybe there is some hidden anger, disappointment and hunger for revenge. Luckily for him I guess between my “self respect” that stops me from steeping so low and my “Love for him” I would never act out my anger, pain, disappointment and all the shitty feelings this breakup, reality break or whatever it be; has left me with consciously or subconsciously.

Good thing I have a therapy session tomorrow, because right now there is something brewing in my heart, my head and my soul and I DON’T want to feel like this, six year and a half should be enough pain to endure over the love of one tiny man.

  • In: Mi Gran Amor
  • Comments Off on So it’s been a while…

Like the fish in the fisherman’s hook; I’ve been let go free and like that fish, I will just swim away and heal.

Things have changed… A lot!!! He continued to be distant with me since my last blog, he occasionally wrote to me, he barely called me at all *SHRUGS* On November I went on my first cruise ever YEY!!!! It was great, I loooooved it, if it weren’t for my dog and not wanting to leave him home alone I would definitely take at least 3 cruises a year LOL but unfortunately for me I love my little Baby and I refuse to leave him home at nights. You see I always have friends come over walk him, feed him, change his water and stuff, but at the end of the night when it is time to get in bed to sleep he is left wondering why Mami never came home. People say dogs can’t tell time but I honestly think they can; because when I came back from my cruise and carried him, he was extremely excited, he would lick me and even bite my lips when kissing me, (sorry if that grosses you out, I DO kiss my dog in the mouth) anyway while he was doing all that he was also making this little crying sound; so because of this I refuse to leave him over night by himself. Anyway right around the time I was leaving on my cruise he told me he was finally moving to the new employment building where he would not be able to call me and what not, I told him it was his choice and up to him, he asked “if I thought it was right and if we should continue”, I again told him it was his decision to make; not mines that it HAS always been him, he calls, he writes, he decides. We left the conversation there, he moved and he called me from his new place of work two days later, so I figured he had decided to find a way to make it work. Anyway I left to the cruise which I loved; I left on 11/22/2013 and returned on 11/25/2013 the purpose of it was to take the cruise on my 2012 birthday when I reached one of these age milestone (not saying which LOL) so I managed to book it right before my next birthday of 11/26/2013. Okay so I come back from the cruise we had been texting a bit (and by texting I mean, I text from my phone to his work email, because of course he NEVER texts from his phone, he is very careful that way) so I text when I left the port Canaveral and when I got back, all is good he is nice, friendly I guess. I emailed him I was back and hinted about my birthday being the next day, giving him the chance to wish me a Happy Birthday (why do we care so much for these little things) needless to say he totally ignored my birthday, emailed me on Monday morning from work but made no comment about my birthday. SO I did what every woman does, I got mad and said FUCK IT, I’M DONE, not talking to him ever again, it’s over. For close to a month I went on without talking to him, he emailed me and I ignored it, he even called me and I ignored it, wrote down the new number since I didn’t have it and went on with my plan. Of course I broke down and emailed him a hello stranger yata yata, we wrote back and forth but I still felt something had to give, I pushed him and he insisted all was good that he was busy *SHRUGS* It’s December now still going to therapy, started getting palpitations because I was holding in so much pain, so much feeling of neglect, so much anger that I refused to let out, I kept avoiding the issue, the confrontation and escaping the reality. Conversations between us are random, on Valentine’s Day I send him a Valentine email, he says “thanks; you too” and later that night checked our email, reads the email doesn’t reply to none and doesn’t go back for the remaining of the month; finally on march 4th I can’t take it anymore and I email him demanding to know “why he is so distant, that he could at least let me know all is well with him, that I miss him and would like to know that he is at least alive”, he answers that “all is good thank god and that he has no time for nothing that he doesn’t even have time to play with the play stations” (is that suppose to mean something) anyway I keep pushing and he then says “he is very busy with work and his family has him pulling out his hairs”, I still insist and ask “where does your busy schedule leave us”, to which he answers, “that he is trying to be a role model to his children and has begun to go to church and stuff”, again I tell him (only because I WANT and NEED him to tell me what he is trying to imply in complete sentence) “so does that mean you don’t want a relationship with me, are we over?” To which he responded “you knew from the beginning, but I can offer you my friendship”.  Wow, he finally ushered the words I needed to hear. I responded back with a huge email, told him “I was left speechless, that I wish I knew sooner so I could go get a switch at the hardware store and set my feelings to off, since I had no experience with this, oh wait I do, I have been heartbroken at least 4 times before… yata yata” told him “I understood all good things come to an end but the important thing is that it is in a way where the friendship and the good things don’t suffer the consequences and no ill feeling is left”. I reminded him “that we were friends for 2 years before he change the game plan, it was he who started it and that I don’t want that friendship; –which is the most important thing we shared for these 6 ½ years– to be lost”. Certainly I can’t be too much of a friend for now; but I would like to think that once my love for him has passed that we can still talk and laugh about everything and anything as we have for so many years now. So that’s how my love story ends.


That’s how my rollercoaster of love stops; these are the last Words of my Heart in Love. Now the healing starts, the forgetting and the moving on. I do not regret what we shared, I love him, he loved me somewhat (I guess) and now it’s done, he served his purpose, and they were many, with him I learned many things, he helped me get self-esteem, feel desirable, and loved. Unfortunately all the good things he gave me came with a very high price of pain which has broken me to the point of no return to where I will NEVER love again. I don’t say this just out of hurt, I’ve been saying this for more than a year now, even when we were not completely over. See I learned that a relationship hurts, not just because he was my lover.  The pain suffered in a relationship can be strong and real even if it’s your husband, your boyfriend, your fiancé, bottom line relationships hurts you and as I’ve said before the pain is not worth it, not at my age!!!!

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